They really do provide some absolutely wonderful material. And it's all from pure suckiness. Today, and at least a few times before, I heard an absolutely retarded one. Just For Brakes, they do a whole lot of brake jobs apparently, over 1 million last year. But that part is the meat and potatoes of the ad. It's the end that kills me. The jingle goes like this... "At Just for Brakes, we really do.........CARE!" I've decided that this could be the worst jingle of all time. Let's break down the reasons:
1. It doesn't rhyme at all. Any good jingle has some level of rhyming to it, even if it's ABCDEC or something along those lines. The rhyme sticks in your head. They just have this horrible knack for annoying the shit out of you, but after the 10000th time you hear it, you can't get the motherfucker out of your head. I've had myself at work and singing radio goddamned commercial jingles for hours on end. It's miserable. But I do remember who to call if I need a plumber or locksmith or something like that.
2. The phone number never appears in the fucker. Jingles need to have the phone number. Something to remind you, "yes, call this when you need us." Like (and I don't remember exactly who this is for but "867-0916. 1,2,3,4 open the door." That has the number in it. And it rhymes. This is a winning jingle.
3. To be perfect it has to be incredibly crazy catchy. The kind of thing that would lead you to sing it when at work for hours on end. And when I say catchy, just humming isn't good enough. It needs to be all out singing. And not just singing to yourself when you're in the car. I'm talking singing balls to the wall in public surrounded by people that see you on a regular basis. The kind of singing usually reserved for great songs, stuff by Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, and the Rolling Stones.
So where does teh Just For Brakes one fall short? Well, first it doesn't rhyme. I was expecting something more like "At just for brakes, we really do....brakes." Granted that would suck too, but better than care. And that pause between do and care is just SOOOOOO long. Gives you time to think of stuff they should be saying instead of the world care. Second. No phone number. Not even mention of how to contact them. Imagine I need help with my brakes right away. what do I do? Do I look for the nearest, cheapest place or do I search out the fuckers that got that jingle stuck in my fucking head? Answer is no. 2. I may hate the jingle but it will work on me, I'm a weak soul. And lastly, it's not catchy at all. Before I sat down, I actually had to think to myself, how did that goddamned annoying stupid ass jingle i heard today go? Usually, it's more like why can't i get that fucker out of my head? Instead of writing about how annoying it was being stuck in my head, i'm writing about how much it sucks. And it really really sucks. big time.
Ok, that should occupy some minds for a few, that and my wrist is hurting from typing. So on that note, fuck off bastards!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Sunday, October 16, 2005
A title that promises nothing
Now, if i've ever had an acurate title to a post, this was it. I mean, it says nothing at all, not a damned thing. I had other ideas for the title since what is on my mind will be far more amusing than anything i've written since at least 2 posts ago. But really, does this go down as a good title or a really shitty one? Maybe i should have just titled it, I have no idea what to call this one, but that would be a lie. How about something like "I have an idea but that might give away the direction that I want to go with this post"? But that's too long. Ok, so really nothing is too long for me, I believe you should always be over-expository (BIG WORD ALERT) in everything you write for humor. Why? cause it's fucking funnier that way! Really, that's it, fun-ni-er. yes, i broke it down into syllables, live with it, it's the best way to do the "should i talk more slowly?" or the ever so famous (at least to some of us) "did i studder?" Basically it's teh "i'm getting this point across regardless of what you might try to do to stop me. It's true, you may have gone to U(sic)GA, but this joke is so prolonged and stretched out and overused that even you can get it.
Ok, so now that that's been said, i'll get to what i wanted to talk about. It's not that important. Well, actually, for once i think it is. It's got more to do with the world than just my skewed perception of it. Ok, so maybe i only think that since as i just said, i do have a skewed perception of the world. But here goes anyway...
When I do something that's really dick, for example hang up on someone when they're annoying or i call them an asshole and simply walk away. You get the point anyway. But when I, or any guy for that matter, do(es) something along those lines, all I can say is "sorry, felt like a dick there for a moment" or "he's just an ass" or "fucking bastard". There's no good way to get out of it intact. That's where women have this HUGE advantage. See, if a woman does this, she has teh ultimate out (and yes, that was gonna be the title of this post originally) she can just say "sorry, PMS" and all is forgiven.
That's sooooooo unfair. I really wish we had something like that to cop out of any time we just wanted to be the world's biggest prick. It could be LOPS, Lack Of Play Syndrome. But that's not acceptable. I guess since it's not proven or something. But really, i think about it, and it's rather simple, cause i know that when i go thru long stretches (in that 2 month-9 month range) i get really just a bit more testy. Why that range do you ask? well it's simple. In the first two months, you figure, well, i'm just pacing myself. After 9, you've kind of resigned yourself to the idea that it's more likely that your penis will fall off randomly than get some happy fun play time. In between though, it's the "god damn, i need me a woman." and you get a bit testy and pissed at all sorts of people. This is where LOPS would come into use. But i don't think people would be likely to let you get away with it for 7 months in a row.
However, in this unfair world, women get away with it form teh age of 13 until around 50, 4 days out of every 30. That comes out to 13.5% of 37 years. Now, is that fair? i thought not. So really, we should be allowed some time to be assholes ourselves. Not a ton, just some. But this really leads me to my next thought related to this. Which is, that all world leaders should be married men. That way you make sure that they are men that are at least getting a little loving so as to avoid LOPS and not women to avoid PMS so that wars are for bad reasons like oil and not really bad ones like "i was feeling like a prick today, so i blew up a small country."
Ok, well i think that will work for today. If you want me to post more, inspire :-P or at least be funny, or soemthing liek that.
Ok, so now that that's been said, i'll get to what i wanted to talk about. It's not that important. Well, actually, for once i think it is. It's got more to do with the world than just my skewed perception of it. Ok, so maybe i only think that since as i just said, i do have a skewed perception of the world. But here goes anyway...
When I do something that's really dick, for example hang up on someone when they're annoying or i call them an asshole and simply walk away. You get the point anyway. But when I, or any guy for that matter, do(es) something along those lines, all I can say is "sorry, felt like a dick there for a moment" or "he's just an ass" or "fucking bastard". There's no good way to get out of it intact. That's where women have this HUGE advantage. See, if a woman does this, she has teh ultimate out (and yes, that was gonna be the title of this post originally) she can just say "sorry, PMS" and all is forgiven.
That's sooooooo unfair. I really wish we had something like that to cop out of any time we just wanted to be the world's biggest prick. It could be LOPS, Lack Of Play Syndrome. But that's not acceptable. I guess since it's not proven or something. But really, i think about it, and it's rather simple, cause i know that when i go thru long stretches (in that 2 month-9 month range) i get really just a bit more testy. Why that range do you ask? well it's simple. In the first two months, you figure, well, i'm just pacing myself. After 9, you've kind of resigned yourself to the idea that it's more likely that your penis will fall off randomly than get some happy fun play time. In between though, it's the "god damn, i need me a woman." and you get a bit testy and pissed at all sorts of people. This is where LOPS would come into use. But i don't think people would be likely to let you get away with it for 7 months in a row.
However, in this unfair world, women get away with it form teh age of 13 until around 50, 4 days out of every 30. That comes out to 13.5% of 37 years. Now, is that fair? i thought not. So really, we should be allowed some time to be assholes ourselves. Not a ton, just some. But this really leads me to my next thought related to this. Which is, that all world leaders should be married men. That way you make sure that they are men that are at least getting a little loving so as to avoid LOPS and not women to avoid PMS so that wars are for bad reasons like oil and not really bad ones like "i was feeling like a prick today, so i blew up a small country."
Ok, well i think that will work for today. If you want me to post more, inspire :-P or at least be funny, or soemthing liek that.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Ok, so maybe i'm not so consistent
When I left you three weeks ago, I said I would do my best to write once a week. Apparently that was all just an elaborate lie of mine to convince you to come back over and over again expecting results. But there have been none! HA! That'll teach you to trust me, or something like that. Really what it comes down to is a mix of laziness and stuff that I was doing. The stuff though was swing-dancing and work, so nothing that should have prevented this moment from occuring. Instead, I spent a whole lot of time reading and sleeping. That precious time could have been spent riffing on something totally meaningless on this site, which I am doing at this moment. I really do believe that this is my release from reality. Here I get to talk about all sorts of things that really have no relevant anything to them. It's just a whole bunch of non-sense back to back to back... And we all love us some nonsense.
But the subject which seemed to come up quite often this past week was etiquette. And not just any, but Southern. Why? because myself and friend (Leeny, for those that know her) were hellbent on educating on of her friends on the way to be a southern gentleman. Granted, he's from northern Ohio, so he was a little slow on the uptake, but we still did what we could to help. That's when we started going over all the little rules, which will be discussed later, one by one. Anyway, I started thinking about these rules and all, that's when three things crossed my mind. First, that a whole ton of these are somewhat outdated, considering women's lib, automatic locks, sewer systems, and automatic doors. Second, that some women do find offense when some of these rules are followed, but even they like to be pampered on occasion. Which leads into point three, A proper southern gentleman would clean up in the north. He'd have women knocking on his door at all hours, so cool.
Then all these rules, well, there are the ones everyone knows: Hold open doors, Open the car door, close the car door, give her a hand to help her up out of a seat, walk on the street side of the sidewalk. There are the ones that less people know: Pull her seat out, and then push it back in under her so she is close to the table. Stand when she gets up to leave the table. Order food for both of you (after asking what she wants) or let her order first, this all depends on the girl. Let her choose her seat first, then you take one of the remaining seats. And then there are the rules that nobody ever seems to know: Always lead when walking, even if it's by only half a step, especially when going down stairs. Exception to rule, when going up stairs, she goes first, in case she falls, you can catch/break fall. Also, going thru a doorway, even when the doors are propped, she goes first. She is the first to take a bite of food, don't start until she does. Always let her offer to pay, then don't let her. I can on for a while with these, but I'm sure people get the point. There's just all these rules.
So going back to this education thing, we were realizing that northern men have no freaking clue about any of these and how to treat a lady. I've learned this when I open doors in the north and they look at me like i'm some kind of alien. I remember giving up a seat on a bus to an old lady in boston and i just got these "what the hell?" looks from everyone. But the point is that I have no idea why I'm talking about this. I think it's time to switch up topics.
Maybe salt shakers would be more sensible. Well, not sensible but more like me. Cuase let's face it, when am i ever sensible. I do things, i think about them later, but sensible, it's not my forte. I really do think that a random ass subject like salt shakers, coming in the middle of something completely unrelated, like this, is more like me than talking about a subject that's not that funny. But why salt shakers do you ask? well, i personally don't know, it was the first thing that popped into my head. so it was that or antelope, and I don't really want to talk about antelope. But yeah, salt shakers, i always thought about the why thing. Cuase they all empty out at different rates, so when with one you don't get enough, the next one it's like eating a salt-lick. I mean really. But anyway, i don't feel like typing any more. I just needed to put something down. Sorry it wasn't all that funny. Acutally, had barely any humor, but i just like to think 0f it as a bridging of the gap to my next post which won't suck :)
But the subject which seemed to come up quite often this past week was etiquette. And not just any, but Southern. Why? because myself and friend (Leeny, for those that know her) were hellbent on educating on of her friends on the way to be a southern gentleman. Granted, he's from northern Ohio, so he was a little slow on the uptake, but we still did what we could to help. That's when we started going over all the little rules, which will be discussed later, one by one. Anyway, I started thinking about these rules and all, that's when three things crossed my mind. First, that a whole ton of these are somewhat outdated, considering women's lib, automatic locks, sewer systems, and automatic doors. Second, that some women do find offense when some of these rules are followed, but even they like to be pampered on occasion. Which leads into point three, A proper southern gentleman would clean up in the north. He'd have women knocking on his door at all hours, so cool.
Then all these rules, well, there are the ones everyone knows: Hold open doors, Open the car door, close the car door, give her a hand to help her up out of a seat, walk on the street side of the sidewalk. There are the ones that less people know: Pull her seat out, and then push it back in under her so she is close to the table. Stand when she gets up to leave the table. Order food for both of you (after asking what she wants) or let her order first, this all depends on the girl. Let her choose her seat first, then you take one of the remaining seats. And then there are the rules that nobody ever seems to know: Always lead when walking, even if it's by only half a step, especially when going down stairs. Exception to rule, when going up stairs, she goes first, in case she falls, you can catch/break fall. Also, going thru a doorway, even when the doors are propped, she goes first. She is the first to take a bite of food, don't start until she does. Always let her offer to pay, then don't let her. I can on for a while with these, but I'm sure people get the point. There's just all these rules.
So going back to this education thing, we were realizing that northern men have no freaking clue about any of these and how to treat a lady. I've learned this when I open doors in the north and they look at me like i'm some kind of alien. I remember giving up a seat on a bus to an old lady in boston and i just got these "what the hell?" looks from everyone. But the point is that I have no idea why I'm talking about this. I think it's time to switch up topics.
Maybe salt shakers would be more sensible. Well, not sensible but more like me. Cuase let's face it, when am i ever sensible. I do things, i think about them later, but sensible, it's not my forte. I really do think that a random ass subject like salt shakers, coming in the middle of something completely unrelated, like this, is more like me than talking about a subject that's not that funny. But why salt shakers do you ask? well, i personally don't know, it was the first thing that popped into my head. so it was that or antelope, and I don't really want to talk about antelope. But yeah, salt shakers, i always thought about the why thing. Cuase they all empty out at different rates, so when with one you don't get enough, the next one it's like eating a salt-lick. I mean really. But anyway, i don't feel like typing any more. I just needed to put something down. Sorry it wasn't all that funny. Acutally, had barely any humor, but i just like to think 0f it as a bridging of the gap to my next post which won't suck :)
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