Holiday Colors

really....who the fuck picks these? I'm looking and all i see everywhere is brow, yellow, red, orange. Apparently these are thanksgiving colors, who knew? So when did they decide there were colors of thanks. Is blue not a thankful color? Is brown really? We know green's not thankful, cause it's envy. And red? That's lust. So i think i've settled that they definitely keep picking the wrong colors for this stuff. And Easter, I mean, really, Pastels?!?!?!?!? They definitely had to be on crack for that one. Granted, they're probably the same people that pick the mascots. I understand turkey with thanksgiving and the use of baby jesus for christmas. But a fucking rabbit for a holiday that's meant to be one of the holiest on the christian calendar. How out of all the animals in the world did they pick a bunny rabbit? When i think rabbits, i think Bugs or the one in Alice in Wonderland. Last thing I think is regal, son of god, resurrection, last supper, etc. I think goofy, silly, hopping around little bastard that I used to shoot in Oregon Trail for 3 pounds of meat. The real problem with them in that game was that they were not only the hardest of the animals to shoot, they gave the smallest amount of meat. Now where does that logic come in? Shouldn't the ahrder to shoot equal more meat? I remember buffalo being soooooo easy and like 300 pounds, it was great. The only thing with that game, I could never get to Oregon with a full family intact. Every time, I would either lose someone fording a river or cholera would set in or something like that. I think the game was out for me. Video games, they're quite evil i think. They're out to get me. Really. They're plotting to take over the world. Well, ok, maybe not, but they like making me frustrated, i know that for sure, cause they do way too good a job of it.

So on to the random thought of the day, if that wasn't a good enough one for you before. Ice cream shops. I think the ice cream (even if it's teh same stuff) is just plain better in the store. And i've figured out why....the TINY SPOONS!!!! I really don't know why, but they make it sooooo much better. I ask for a sample and then i usually eat all of my ice cream with taht sample spoon. I think that might be the future. Cell phones go smaller, so next, utensils. I'm gonna make a whole line of small utensils. Small steak knives, small forks, the whole shebang. It'll be awesome. And then you could eat wendy's and it would taste like Ruth's Chris. mmmmm, steak. Anyway, for my first post in a month, i think i did pretty ok. Let me just say, I enjoyed europe, missed the blog, i really did. tear, forming in my left eye, no, wait, that's just a drop of me not caring, my bad.

Dude, I got this one...

I know it like the back of my hand. How many times have you heard that? 1000, more? Now think about it...do you actually know the back of your hand?? I have no fucking clue what mine is like. How that got started confuses me to no end. I'm thinking there was this really weird philosopher type, and granted all philosophers are weird, but this one was weirder than all the rest. He liked to study his extremities, and not just normal ones like palms or arms/legs as a whole, but specific kinda odd ones. He studied the ball of his foot, the indent of his elbow, the kneecap, and of course, the back of his hand. Then one day a student of his asked "Mr. Weird Philosopher Guy, do you know the meaning of life?" and the philosopher responded "Like the back of my hand." The student took this as him knowing it intimately, easily, and in great detail. In fact, i think he meant it more as "I would only claim to know this cause I'm a weird fucking dude, haven't you picked up already that I study strange body parts on a regular basis? silly fuck-off student."

Anyway, now that I think that whole vein is done with, let us go on to something new. Cool thing happened today, talked to a friend i hadn't talked to in like a year and change. That was quite cool.....I mean, isn't that just the pleasant surprise of the day kind of thing? It's almost like walking along a street and boom, there's a friend in the gutter who you haven't seen for over a year....but in this case, they're just not in teh gutter. You thought i was gonna say find a dollar, didn't ya? well, i almost did, but then realized that a dollar won't talk to you, and only buys like 2 min. of friendship. But a friend, well, they can provide minutes, hours, days, months, or even years of entertainment. And you know me, i'm all about the entertainment. Cause that's why i write this. But some people tell me this is too long every time. Well, FUCK THEM!!! or something like that.

But ok, new topic, no, old topic, or ancient topic. No, new. And i'm thinking, why can'd old conjugate like good. Cause good goes to better which goes to best. I think old should be comparable. Like old, to ooter, to oost. It's got a ring to it. "My dad is old." "Yeah, well my dad is ooter." "Well, my great-grandad is the oost." I like that, now there's an argument. Almost like the triple dog dare kinda thing. You're just waiting for someone to pull the oost card. And that just the oost play in teh book. It's just not even a surprise when someone does it anymore. Used to be, but that was back in teh olden days. And that's a good word, olden, i like it, it's got character.

Well, taht's it for today, a short one, live with it, i am. Quote of the day: "Show them the Qwon.""Don't use that word, that's my word."

Inconcievable...

Amigos for Christ has been unseated. Most pointlessly stupid advertisement that highly amuses me EVER award has changed hands. The new winner, Testostapro. It starts like this (and I'm not lying) "Men, do you climax too soon...during sex. Hi, I'm Dr. Richard Cohen, MD, and I'm here to tell you about Testostapro, a natural male supplement designed to help you last longer so both you and your partner can enjoy sex more. She'll thank you." Ok, so basically, I have a ton of problems with this ad. First, it's stupid. Who actually buys this shit? Really, what guy is going to admit he's a minuteman? well, I know if I were (and I'm not) I'd never admit it, even to myself. Then there's teh other half, women. Let me just say that if a woman ever gave me anything that would be use to enhance my sex life, it's over. That's like being the manager of a baseball team, walking up to your best pitcher and saying "So, you suck, really, I can think of about a thousand ways that you could be better. And most of them are stuff any normal pitcher has....now go pitch for the rest of your career for me." It's kinda shitty, girls, don't EVER do that, unless you're trying to break up in the cruelest way possible.

Next problem with it. There's this really long, uncomfortable pause after "too soon". It's almost like they want men listening to hear "Men do you climax too soon?" and then say "No, I last a long time." "During sex?" "Oh, yeah, alone, i'm a marathon man, but add someone else into the mix and boom, over before you can start." And then they'll think how testostapro will be the greatest thing ever. Really, i thought up the best way if you ever feel like time will be a little...short. You think sports, and not just sports, but something that really rubs you the wrong way, like Derek Jeter holding the world series trophy. It's foolproof, really, it is.

Problem no. 3 arises "she'll tahnk you". I mean really, is this saying that only a straight man would have climax problems? Or the gay guy on the recieving end doesn't care how long it lasts? I don't think so!!! I have to say that it's just as likely that a straight or gay guy have those kind of problem and also, a girl and a gay guy both want to enjoy the moment, don't they? Or are we running with republican propaganda here and we're going to believe that they're not real people? or lesser people? Cause we all know they don't like either gays or women, it's a fact.

Ok, so basically, we've settled it, it's a bad ad. Probably the worst part about it is taht he introduces himself. Honestly, if i'm asking for help with those kind of issues, i dont' want to know their name. It would be simple, i'd drop cash, they'd drop pills, no names exchanged, complete anonymity. And then there would be plausible deniability. Cops are like "did you buy these climax pills?" "No sir, they were left here by a stranger in a motorcycle gang. Big guy, beard, lots of tattoos, very scary, apparently can't make the minute mark." "You sure it's not yours?" "No, don't know how it got here, find the guy who makes it." Then they'd be at the door of Dr. Richard Cohen, MD, and be like "who bought these pathetic lover pills from you sir?" "I dunno, never saw him, all i can tell you is he has powerful friends, Ben, George, Alexander, Abe, lots of them." Then they'd never pin it on me, they'd have to assume i don't suck in bed, score one for the good guys!

Last problem, just remembered is "Dr. Richard Cohen, MD." Why do doctors feel the need to burrow into our skulls that they spent 8 years getting a piece of paper we don't have? I think after graduation i'll walk up to people and be like "Chemist Ben Nathan, BS" just so tehy have to know that I have a BS in chem. They'll all think i'm some kind of cook/asshole and then it might just click in their head that i'm doing the same thing that most pompous ass doctors do. FUCKERS!

Ok, so that's another rant from me. Hope you enjoyed. And i realized, nobody is putting their fucking name on comments. How can i ridicule you for silly things if you don't leave your name and an embarassing story at the beep? I think the new key is going to be ridiculing them blindly. Anyway, i'm supposed to end with a quote....so here it is "No quote today, live with it bastards." Person who guesses who said that gets a guest spot in the next post.

When two highly unbalanced people talk

You get something like this...(Oh, and there's still another post after this one, don't miss it :-P)

Verbal3982:if it's about penis size, just let them know, jews are no. 3
meri1317: who's two?
Verbal3982: blacks
meri1317: who's one?
Verbal3982: penguins.....
meri1317: ahh....
meri1317: i knew there was something up with the penguins
Verbal3982: this bit of the convo is sooooo my away message
meri1317: hehe
meri1317: what away message?
Verbal3982: a new one i just saved and will use soon enough
Verbal3982: but my rabbit statement is tonights
meri1317: its a good statement
Verbal3982: i think so
meri1317: why do penguins get to have the largest penises though?
meri1317: that seems hardly fair
meri1317: i mean, they are psychotic
Verbal3982: exactly.....
Verbal3982: or it was random chance that i typed penguins as opposed to nordic slavs
meri1317: they are the reason that i sleep with my dragon. i figure that a dragon could take on the hordes of psychotic penguins that lurk in the shadows
meri1317: they are waiting you know
Verbal3982: i do know.....they've been plotting for years....
meri1317: i think they are the reason that cats do that spaz thing
Verbal3982: no, that's chipmunks....co-conspirators
meri1317: every one always thinks that cats are plotting your demise, but really, they are just strategizing defense plans
Verbal3982: it's chipmunks, penguins, koalas and pandas....each indigeonous to a different continent....ingenious plan i say
meri1317: yes, indeed
meri1317: but what about the squirrels?
meri1317: is that a different plot to take over the world?
Verbal3982: squirrels aren't plotting to take over.....
meri1317: what are they plotting then?
Verbal3982: they just want to kill off white people, the man's been keeping them down too long
meri1317: oh
meri1317: damn squirrels
meri1317: i never did anything to keep them down
meri1317: i think they are cute
Verbal3982: yeah.....but you did.....
meri1317: i did?
meri1317: what did i do?
meri1317: i'll go apologize
Verbal3982: you were born white, and by going to college, you bought into the whole white man ruling the world complex thingy
meri1317: oh
meri1317: ok
meri1317: but i'm a white woman
Verbal3982: still, you can't say "the white person" doesn't have the same effect, have to say "white man" or it doesn't really count

Ok, so that's a conversation I thought all of you should see. Meri and I aren't exactly your two most normal people. Heck, we have conversations that other people would be like "what the hell is wrong with you two?" on a fairly regular basis. I mean, we can basically have any conversation and then act as if it never occured, it's quite impressive actually. Hooray for not normal people like us, we rock!!!!

Religion...the number one cause of death

especially in prostitutes. Really, they die due to religion, I swear. But no, the real motivation for that is the simple fact taht religion kills. Think how many people die every year due to "Act of God", a fundementalist, or in the worst scenario, getting drunk of sacramental wine and driving off a cliff. After that, there's "it was just his time", "It's planned out for him to go like that", or my personal favorite (in the terms of musicians) "God just needed a (fill in the instrument here)". Ever think he'll just have enough guitarists one day and every great guitarist will live forever because he band has nowhere to go. He's got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaugh, who needs anyone else? I guess they left the band or soemthing. Back to this cause of death thing....Act of God is a term I love. But what is it with that, Act of God, you never hear, "my house has insurance against Act of Nature/Science" no, always god. Really, what's the deal there, how do we know it's God? why can't it just be random chance. Oh well, let's not open that can of worms.

So a phrase that bothers me quite a bit....more xyz than you can shake a stick at. Really, this perplexes me, cause personally, there is no amount of anything that I can't shake a stick at. It's like looking at million cars and i'm off to the side with my little stick, and guess what? I'M SHAKING IT!!!! They can't stop me, i'm just a guy out there crazy enough to shake a stick at them. I think that is my new mission in life, to shake sticks at extraordinarily large numbers of things. I think I'll go stand on my balcony and shake a stick (or some stick like object, not my penis) at the entire city of atlanta. Just did it, further proving my point, you can indeed shake a stick at any number of objects, well, any number less than so many you're not able to pick up a stick to shake since they take up the entire atmosphere of the earth. But that would suck, cause then we would all suffocate and die, and then nobody is shaking a stick at anything. Ok, so I've decided that I will find a personal "shaking stick" and walk around with it. Any time someone says they have more xyz than they can shake a stick at, I shall pull out my stick and make sure it works right. Then I shall proove them wrong and they will stop using the ludicrous statement. Maybe that's teh new trend, shaking sticks, I think i've caught on to something here. So this blog has evolved, no longer does it relate to being funny and pointless, now it exists solely to debunk stuff like that.

Next theory: Sleep is the best thing ever. I disagree, while sleep is a great thing, I think being awake is the best thing ever. (this should be followed by....) Staying awake SUCKS! Yeah, well, you suck!!! So what movie am I parodying there? If you don't know, you should be forced to watch it for hours on end, til you know, uncultured bastards. Anyway, sleep, it's grossly overrated. I think it's quality, but all the good stuff happens while you're awake. Ever hear a guy bragging about that girl he was messing around with in his dreams? no, you hear about the one he got a number from while he was awake. We put far more stress on the awake part of the day cause it actually matters. Sure, you need sleep, but I say find that minimum amount of sleep needed and run with that everyday. Maximize the amount of awake time in the average week, more cool stuff will happen that way. I have my saying....Sleep is for the weak, and the weekend. Really, the more you sleep, the more you suck, that's what I say. We insomniacs, we rock. I know, you think I'm just a poser insomniac, but really, I am what would be diagnosed as one. I am incapable of sleeping before midnight, assuming I slept at least 4 hours the night before. That's what it takes. Freakishly easy.

What was next on the docket? I dunno. Drawing a blank. How about I go back to the beginning? Prostitutes. Noble Profession. And I'm serious when i say that. Really the only reason we think it's a bad thing is due to a false notion about sex being evil. It's not, it rocks. Evil religion....not only does it lead to massive amounts of death, it's quite the joykill too. They've taken the fun out of everything. No Sex, No Drinking Heavily, No this, No that. Well, not all religions. At least judaism has it right where there are holidays specifically designed for getting shitfaced. Purim, the goal is to not be able to tell the difference between teh good guy (mordechai, and old gray haired jew with a beard) and the bad guy (haman, a persian with no beard a triangle hat, dark hair). Then there's Passover, and i know what you're thinking, but wait a second and listen to me here. Sure, it's a celebration of exodus from egypt, but pay closer attention. You are supposed to drink wine 4 times, and not just drink, but chug 4 full glasses. If the glass isn't full, you fill it to teh brim. Also, you drink wine the whole meal. Next clue, you're not supposed to sit upright, you're supposed to lean the whole night. It's an inclusionary technique, make teh drunks feel welcome...."Oh, you can't sit up straight? Well, nobody is sitting up straight, you're like part of the party now!" It's better than the christian version would be "Bad man, you drank to much, say 5 hail marys, confess your sins, lick a bum, smell a dog, do three laps around the church" or at least something like that.....i really have no idea about this stuff....I figured i'll just throw ideas in there and see if any of them make any sense at all. But i really think that retribution for sins should be tougher than it is in the church, the whole say you're sorry and you're forgiven thing is just too easy. I think everyone should have to have far more difficult and interesting tasks. Mistake 1, clean your room. 2, vacuum/sweep/mop. 3, rewax/recarpet. 4, lick a dog. 5, eat a squirrel. 6, fuck a donkey. 7, run a marathon. 8, babysit for the manson family. 9, well, you get the point. Anyway, I ran out of ideas after the 0th one and just ran from teh seat of my pants as per usual.

Ok, so this is where I leave you so I can finish up Da Vinci Code, quite a good book, I recommend it. And I'll leave you with this final kernel of knowledge for the night....Never trust a rabbit on steroids, they're just sizing you up like a piece of meat, and nobody likes that.

Just when things are looking up....

They go "hey, that's the fucking ceiling...who'da thunk it?" cause things have eyes too. And on top of that, they make observations....silly things. And what exactly is a thing? i like to think of it as not so much a person or a place, but the other option in 20 questions. Don't you just love that game, 20 questions? I think that's what I will do in this post, ask 20 questions. Really, i will. Do you doubt i'm capable? Well, that was already 3 questions, so FUCK YOU!!!! Haha, you should never bet against me when something frivolous is on the line, like nothing. That's like "you should never go against a sicilian when death is on the line". Know what movie that's from? If not, you should be herded into a small cage and made to watch the greatest movie (Princess Bride) until you have every line memorized. I can see it now, thousands of people, all watching it in a continuous loop. Ahh, so glorious a vision of mine.

Alrighty, so i'm back.....and where was I? Oh yeah, that makes 5. Silly bastards telling me I can't do it. Who do they think they are? Well, i'll tell you who, they're the leaders of the society of the WRONG! I think that should really be a society. That way, everyone who's wrong on a constant basis, like republicans, can all be in this one big group that we can all make fun of. Speaking of that kind of stuff, my brother sent me this map of america that i think is pretty cool and should become true. All the Kerry states join canada and become the United States of Canada, while all the Bush states get called Jesusland. Pretty fair and accurate description. Besides, Jesusland has a ring to it. The name USA, well, everyone knows it. It's so....boring, used, old. I think we need to rename countries every 20 years or so. I think that some good names could come out of that, also ones that wouldn't fit by the end of the 20 years, so that would be kinda funny. A good example, if we named them right now we'd have France become "Bigotted Assholes that Nobody Likes, but they make good wine" and England is "Tony Blair Land", but would have been "Crap Food, Good Beer" before him. Israel, well, in the first 20 years or so, would have just been named "Fucked", but then moved to "We may be small, but we carry a big fucking stick to whoop your arab ass with", and currently it would be "So we want peace, what the fuck is wrong with that? Fucking Arabs". I think my personal favorite progression of any country though, would be Russia. Think about it, they would have been "We Love Lenin" in the 20-40 range, then "Woo Hoo! Go STALIN!!!" for the next 20, followed by "Ok, So stalin was a bastard, but Kruschev is much cooler", then on to "We're communists, and we wanna rule the world, go us" and they would have had that name thru 2000, and that's just funny to me. Currently their name would be "So we fucked up, no longer a superpower, we like McDonald's, wanna buy a nuke?" If we did this with states too, well, that'd be kinda cool. California would have had to repeat their name from the 70s range of "We have an actor playing governor. Oh, we elected him? You're telling me that this wasn't a joke. Holy Crap, I would say that we're idiots, cause well, we have a FUCKING actor as our governor, what were we thinking?" for now, with the Governator. We could also rename Mississippi into "Awful long name for only 4 different letters" or after the vote on gay marraige ban there (and quoting Jon Stewart) "No Looking at Dudes". Really, what is wrong with people, are they that fucking closed-minded? Which leads me to....

Ok, so new idea. I'm going to make my vote count in the state of georgia. Wanna know how? I'm going to pay off homeless people to kill republicans in mass numbers. I figure they'd shank at least 3 or 4 and all i'd have to do is either pay them $50 or buy them some McyD's. mmmm, chicken mcnuggets, time to kill an idiot. Gotta love those homeless people. They'd make the best hitmen ever, nothing tying them down, no consequence if they get caught other than a place to eat, sleep and shower every day for the rest of their life. And if they get away with it, well, they've got $50 or a full stomach. And nothing spells murder quite like some greasy fries. And this is what's coming to mind, you always see the "Will work for food" signs, but what about the "will kill for food" or "Used to be a hitman, now I have no home, help me!!!" or "I'm just out here cause hired killing is no longer the fad, anyone need someone shanked?" signs? (Oh and I made my 10 questions quota...HA!) And the word shanked, that's just cool. Has that edgy prison feel to it. "Wanna shank him?" It just sounds so tough, as opposed to "Should we off him?" which is still kinda tough, but off v. shank, i'll take shank every day of the week.

And speaking of shanks, I love ribs. Cause shank bone, rib bone, know what i'm saying her? Will you let me finish? I said, let me finish. I miss Ross Perot, he was the most amusing politician ever. Him and Clinton, what a pair. You had the guy who loves sex. And the dwarfish guy with HUGE ears! They were the greatest pair ever!!! If only there was requirement that all elections had to have two entertaining people involved in it. Having two boring assholes, well that makes it suck. I guess I'm just hoping that the debates turn into a cage match. That would be sooooo cool. "Sen. Kerry, your stance on abortion?" "Well, I'm gonna take that Pro-lifer's candy ass and put him in a pile driver, followed by an elbow drop from the top buckle. After that, sleeper hold, people's elbow and an atomic wedgie, then when i go in for the pin, Roe v. Wade stands up. Oh yeah (said in a macho man voice)!!" "Pres. Bush, your rebuttal" "It'll be a leg drop, then people's elbow followed by a widowmaker, then i'm gonna take this year chair, bash it over his head. Afterward, a Boston Crab followed up with a tidlywinks and a dutch oven to finish him off. BYE BYE abortion!" "well, there you have it folks, a steel cage match to determine the fate of abortion rights. next up, cheney/powell v. edwards/daschle to decide on gay marraige bans. Following that broadcast, we have the Governator himself, Ah-nold, taking on every other republican governor in america for a 25 on 1 showdown to decide the fate of Stem Cell research. That should be a good one, but I think the proper intro is right here from the Governator himself." "I will teach all dose puny girly governor types dat stem cells iz the vay to goh. I will break dem in twoo and make dem all vish that dier modder hadt nevah given birs to dem. But aftervard my stem cells vill stave dier puny liddle lives." "there you have it folks a complete preview, if you understood a word that he said. We'll be right back after this break."

That would be soo entertaining. I think that most political stuff is meant to be entertainment. Like fox "news", it's not news, it's entertainment. They're pure propaganda, it's kinda amusing, but they suck. I think instead of FNN they should be FQUNN for Fox Quote-Unquote News Network. Or maybe even FENRNN for Fox Entertainment, Not Really News, Network. They have as much factual base as well, a novelist...and a bad one at that. Oh well, I guess I'll stop talking now. Enjoy my thoughts, they're mine, you can't have them.

New Pet Peeve

Just figured out something that i HATE!!!! When people post a comment and don't put their name. What are you afraid of? Think i'm gonna be like..."they had a negative comment about my blog, oh no, my life is shattered." If you haven't realized this by now, i don't give a shit. Unless you're one of a very small handful of people, you're opinion of me matters about as much as the feelings of a minnow to a larger predatory fish. Basically, they're a moot point. That's all, I don't care.

And yes, this is the second post in less than 5 hours. New record for me. But sometimes things just grab you and you feel the need to write them down. Hopefully this will make a few more people happy cause i'm writing more often again. However, it feels like i've lost my touch. I'm not rambling with the same enthusiasm and disgust at the same time that i used to. Really, that was the secret, i just type about how much i hate a whole lot of things and ramble about it. It's the enthusiastic bitching that makes this amusing, not anything else really. And to the person taht thought the last post was more amusing than the one before it, what were you smoking? This last one was kinda wussy, but the one before it, well that had charecter. I talked about parrots and tootsie-pops, those are quality subjects. I think the key to a quality subject is to find something 100% useless and just talk and talk about it.

For example, those chinese iron musical stress ball thingees. If you don't know what they are, well, that name for them was basically their description. Anyway, i think they're super fascinating. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out the best way to roll my balls in my hand without them touching. That was really really dirty sounding i know, but it was meant to be clean. And the word balls, used to just mean balls, but now it's all about the testicles. I can be like, nice balls. Automatically, they'd think i'm extending congratulations on a marvelous set of man marbles, but in actuality i could be complementing something different like personalized golf balls. That's really one hell of a good name for them. Man Marbles. You wish you thought of that. now i'm going to use it randomly in conversation so everyone i know can look at me like a little crackchild. I can see it now "so this guy had huge man marbles...." "what'd you say?" "Man marbles...you know balls." and then we'd be back at square one, balls being the only viable word for testicles that doesn't sound clinical. I always think there should be fun names and serious names for things. Like penis v. pedro (and yes, he throws a mean changeup :-P) or something like taht. I would think everyone should use pitchers' names to name their penis with. Imagine it, soemthing like "Derek...he's got a hell of a sinker." And then the girl would start to think about what a sinker would entail. If everyone had to name their penis for a major league pitcher, due to a pitch that guy uses. Really, just look out for the guy who names it for Tim Wakefield and his Knuckleball. I guess taht's not as bad as a fastball, curveball or spitter. Just think what those would entail. I guess thoser aren't even the worst though, just imagine a splitter, palmball, or a cutter. Now those sound horribly unpleasant. Good thing i'm on the pitching end.

Now that brings up a good point. Guys always name their penis, but do girls name their vagina? I hear that they name their boobs, but that doesn't really hold that much weight, i mean, boobs don't do much more than sit there and look pretty. Granted, we do love them and are very very happy that they're there, but still, i think something needs to have a function to be names. I guess they could be names for livestock, but that's terribly unsexy. I think the idea is to shoot for sexy and if not that, then funny. Why not have them all have teh vaginas be named for catchers. it's appropriate. Varitek for the all-purpose, stops everything, never fails kind. Pudge (i know that sounds really bad) for teh all around best there is, great in every possible facet with very very little to be desired cause it's so nice. Benito Santiago for the old used beat up one that everyone says they're too good for but secretly would rather have than the fresh inexperienced has no clue what it's doing one. That inexperienced one could be the Joe Mauer. Or you could have teh one that's nothing more than a great place to throw your balls at (no other skills) called teh Mike Matheny. Lastly, there is teh doesn't really get along with the pitchers all that well, but damn can hit that homerun more often than the others, that's your AJ Pierzinski (i spelled that wrong). I think i've got a new system here. Any more suggestions for this list? Any ideas for a better system? I'm open to be persuaded into new thought. I'm easy like that. Nothing difficult about me. I'm quite simple minded. Yay for easy stuff!!!!

Ok, so taht's it, time for sleepy by now. NIGHT!

Why does it have to work this way?

So every time I've ever met a girl and said to myself "oh my god, she is way too hot to be true" they're always teh dumbest people EVER! It's like on a scale of 1 to 100 for hotness, a girl can be anywhere from 1 to 90 and have any level of intelligence and niceness. On the other hand, once you pass 90 a girl tends to suck in one of those two departments, usually intelligence. I don't know if most people agree with me, but i'd rather have an intelligent 80 than a damned-near retarded 95. I know what you're thinking, a guy thinking with his head....(and the one in the north, not the south) what's going on here? Well, simply put, i think i'd rather have a girl that I want to talk to first rather than one where i think "how can i shut her up and get her in bed, then out without having to hear that inane yabbering she calls a conversation?", cause really, if the conversation is pleasant too, it's all that much better.

****not so funny section for a bit, it's baseball stuff and me stuff*****

Alrighty, other stuff to talk about, elections and baseball....duh! First, let's start with baseball. GO SOX!!!!
Ok, so it's odd. Being a sox fan for 18 years and for the first time when a season ends thinking "hey, this season didn't end shitty." is kinda new for me. So used to heartbreak that it's almost like we're a bit masocistic and kinda like that stinging pain that so many years in a row brought before. Ever go for a run and thought "my legs hurt now"? Then answered yourself with "this is awesome"? Yeah, me neither. What kind of a weirdo would ever think they liked that stuff. Ok, so i admit, i'm lying, i like it, i love it, i want more of it. But yeah, it's the oddest thing ever, after that last out, i just kind of stood there and kept repeating to myself "i'm confused, am i supposed to be happy?" over and over again. Then i went "oh yeah, this is cool."

****Let the funny resume****

So elections....and i think south park put it best "you get to vote for either a giant douche or a turd sandwich". I mean really...have we ever had two worse choices for president? Exactly, we haven't. The closest we've ever been to this shit of a decision before was way too long ago for my ass to remember. But yeah, the thing that really pisses me off with this are the fucking bumper stickers. Really and truly, have you realized how utterly retarded those things are for sooooooo many reasons. First off, they're only good for like 4 months MAX. Really, you put them on and then they just sit there on your car for god knows how long. The other day i saw a Dole-Kemp 96 sticker on some guys car. Does that make me think "wow, that guy voted for dole in 96."? NO! it makes me think "this guy is a dumb shit" not because they voted republican (which as i've mentioned before is pretty retarded) but because he's got a fucking sticker that's been outdated for 2 elections on his car. How lazy can you be? I mean really, it only takes like 2 seconds to get the thing off, but no, 8 years later and there it is "I supported a candidate with no chance of winning" in big bold letters on his car.

Then on to the effectiveness of these things. Never will anyone ever go "oh, you support Kerry. I can talk to you now." Or "that makes you a good driver". More likely when someone sees a bumper sticker they're thinking to themselves "that moron's voting for him?" or "this guy SUCKS at driving (and in turn life) and oh, look at that, he's dumb enough to vote the wrong way too." Really, has anyone in history gone "that guy in the explorer is voting republican, i should too" ? I think it's more likely that a swing voter says to himself "That was teh worst fucking driver ever, oh, and now i'm voting opposite of that fuckface." Cause who notices good driving? Nobody, that's right, nobody at all. I think i'm gonna start a new trend. I'm gonna put the bumper sticker of teh guy i don't like on my car and cut off as many people as possible, then flick them off. I think that would have a better effect for the guy i support, just fucking everyone on teh roads over under the guise of a support of the other stupid prick.

And all politicians are just that, stupid pricks. Has there ever been a successful one that didn't totally suck? Well, yes, but sooooo very few. There was Clinton. Granted, I know a whole lot of people that didn't like him for his policies. Whatever, that's not what i'm talking about. He's the kind of guy you could imagine having a bbq with, sitting back drinking a beer, shooting the shit. Basically, he did what any guy would do with that much power....8 years of blowjobs. I know that I would have done the exact same thing minus one little change. I would have found an attractive girl. Really, I know he's a busy guy, but really, she's on ugly bitch. Couldn't he have had the token hot chick for a slutty intern? Is that too much to ask out of the most powerful man in the world? Is that what we have to look forward to when we're president? I think if that's the case, i might just have to stick to being me. I may never get the hot chick, but at least I'm not stuck with teh decision between the not attractive wife and the fat intern. It's kinda like the tagline from Alien v. Predator....Whoever wins, we lose. And by we, i mean men. Our penises have to suffer for power. So, you have to ask yourself, do you feel lucky....punk? well, do ya? Cause if you don't, president isn't for you. If you do, may many hot interns await. And a hot wife, followed by a hot wife-intern threesome. That would soo rock my face off. mmmm, president sandwich. I'm just gonna think about that now and leave teh rest of you to your on devices. So that shall end the post, almost.

Quote of teh day "I'm in murders and executions" "I have a friend in mergers and acquistions..." and all of you can say this wasn't the funniest post ever, but deal with it, at least i wrote something.

Drunk Post

So i'm posting drunk, which moichght be a really bad aieada. This ouc mekeke the lest sensen ever but i9 thinkit's funny that' i'm typeing when thisn drunka d youl're treadoing tit cause youthink tht atoi'm furnnyl. Thea't sryeoadnldytlly cool adn sruff tyeah, go me. i,m rock. yeah mean. i mean me. caus ei' rock
sllepy typme.m i'll finisht htis tomorrow

So did you find your secret decoder ring in the bottom of the bottle? So, now that i'm sober and awake, i realize that this is extremely silly. I don't even know what i said for sure, but it's amusing, you must say.

And another week goes by. So, I guess the idea is that I finish this before 2005. I guess i just lack inspiration, so i'll continue when i'm somewhere that inspires me :-P

Ok, so I know what you're thinking, this is going to be the greatest post ever cause it took me multiple weeks to write, right? well, face facts, you're wrong, that's all there is to it, you're just plain wrong. This post is going to suck. You know why? cause I want it to. But I was thinking about some fun stuff, really, i swear.

I think I have a new favorite pasttime, pushing the snooze button. Everyone loves it, I know I do. And just imagine watching it on TV, it'd be the international snooze button pushing competition. I can see it now, you're given points based on tolerance to the beeping of the alarm (more annoying the alarm, more points for tolerance in relation to time), distance travelled to the snooze button, style with which the button is pushed, style of getting back into bed (big points for sky high belly flops), and points for time to sleep again. I think I could win the olympic gold for that. I mean, really, I let that alarm go for at least thirty seconds every time, then i walk to the alarm, usually pull the "i'm gonna slap you so you shut up, bitch" slap for the button, then jump and land face first asleep in bed. I would say it's quite a sight, but since I never open my eyes (and maybe that should be worth bonus points too) I dunno what the hell it looks like. And even without it being a pasttime for others, I still love it. I think the whole thing is just that I really dislike the idea of waking up at any point in time that is not of my choosing, damned school, making me move my ass anywhere but where I want it. Sad times.

Another realization this week, I have a far more loyal following for this sucker than I ever expected. I really thought that when I started writing maybe one or two people would read it, but it is many many more than that, like 5-10 range at least. WOO HOO! Speaking of "woo hoo" have you seen this video that they put out of these people in Oakland that get these whistler things on their tailpipes. It's one of the funniest damned things ever, cause there is the black guy and his girl both going "it's not that loud, it's like just a little 'woo woo'." I guess you have to see it, but it's soooooooo funny.

Also, what is the deal with Kroger late at night? I thought I was the only sucker that ever went there after midnight, and wow, was i wrong. Went there this week and while there saw at least 5 people I know there. Highly amusing that enough people get the idea to go there that late at night that I will know at least a few of them. I think late night grocery shopping is fun, but a really bad idea. It's like shopping when you're hungry, which we all know leads to superfluous purchases (such as two types of the same chip, a second thing of mayo [different flavor, but still mayo], multiple things of green apple flavor, etc.) and just some things that seem like a good idea at the time, but when you actually think about it are really really stupid. I dunno, i think hunger than insomnia have the same kind of effect on your grocery purchasing abilities. I go from an award-winning (and yes, award-winning, you heard it right) grocery shopper, to the guy that buys cheap meats. Honestly, i don't know if there's anything in the world i love more than a good sandwich, so what the hell am i doing buying cheap meats, really? Oh well, I guess we'll never know, kinda like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. And what was teh deal with that stupid fucking owl...? It was always like "one, two-hooooooo, thu-ree.....crunch!!! Three." Was he that fucking impatient? I thought owls were supposed to be wise, but no, the owl just says, I'm going to be an impatient fuck and make it so this little kid will never know how many licks it takes to get to the fuck-off center of the damned things. I think that has just become a life's mission, to find the exact number of licks it takes to get to the center. I'm going to put down a guess of 278 give or take 17. If i'm right, damn, i'm good cause that was just a random number i put down. If i'm wrong, well, at least I'll know the answer, better than that fucking owl. And when did we decided owls were so wise? they only ask one question over and over again. Wouldn't the parrot be smarter? it can at least say more than one fucking word. I think I want a parrot and I'll teach it to respond to "Polly want a cracker" with "Fuck off you represive prick, parrots have feelings too!!!!" I can just imagine the shock on someones face, they'd be like "what the hell was that? it's like the women's lib movement, only i have less objection." Which i'm kidding, women's lib was teh best thing ever, cause it opened the door for a woman to support me. And i'm taking applications. If you want to be that woman, i'll worship you (most likely) for teh rest of my life, all you have to do is be my sugar momma.

Ok, so that's it for today, i'm done, i'm out. This post was started on Oct. 9th and finished on Oct. 27th, now that's a long time to work on a post.

WaHo and Skittles....The Root of All Evil?

Ok, so I know what you're thinking, "he's finally gone off the deep end." Well, that's where you're wrong, there's no finally to it, i've been off the deep end for a very very very very very long time. Actually, with how long i've been off, chances are i'm about to port in istanbul by now. Ever go there? I have this feeling istanbul is a cool place. First off, it used to be constantinople (i spelled that wrong i think), secondly, They Might Be Giants wrote a song about that little fact. But really, it's the capital of a great food, Turkey. How many other foods have capitals? Ham, nope. Chicken, nope. Matzah, Jerusalem. Frog Legs, Paris. Fish and Chips, London. Ok, so lots of foods have places there from, but not really capitals. You have istanbul, turkey, but have you ever been to Rome, Pop Tart. I think not, and do you know why? Cause it doesn't exist. Then you have to wonder, which came first, the country or the food? I know the food came first, but were we calling it turkey first is what i mean. If the food got named first, did the person who named the country go "This looks like the kind of place that flightless birds of north america would dream of living, it's like their own personal florida. After they retire, boom, this is where they want to be." Or was it the other way around? I can just picture it now...

"Sir, this country, it tastes like....Turkey." "Yes, ensign, and that is what we shall name it, Turkey." "But sir, please explain to me why it tastes this way." "well, son, it's actually quite the interesting story. Many centuries ago, there was a revolt. Thousands of turkeys rebelled here, killing tens of thousands of corn stalks. In the midst of their wild rampage, farmers of this land decided to fight back. And fight back they did, they cut down hundreds of trees and used the stumps as places to behead teh turkeys. All those turkeys died in the bloodiest massacre in turkey memory. However, all of them could not be eaten, many were left to the land. The land has a hearty appetite, so it enveloped those turkeys, and that is why the ground today tastes as it does. Tasty, but really, the best is when you get to those gravy rivers, especially the ones with the mash potato boulders. If only the land would make a good cranberry jam, well, thanksgiving would be a meal of the land, literally." "that's fascinating." "fascinating, yes, true, no. Ensign, I hope this teaches you a valuable lesson." "That i should investigate matters on my own, sir?" "No, That you're a dumbass for believing that cockamamie story."

Oh, where was i? Yeah, that's it, WaHo and Skittles right? Cuase i didn't even start, so how could i have been there. Well, i'm there now, deal with it. Why are they the root of all evil? Well, it's simple really, cuase they are. Ever go to WaHo and go, this is a great place? If you answer yes, please step to the left. (People to the left will shortly be carted off to stand trial with other evil types.) It's simple, you go there, and boom, it wages war on you. The axis of evil is not what we think, it does not include Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan (ever think that Afghanistan might have originally been names Comforteristan or Sheetistan. Afghans are cool and all, but personally, i like fleece blankets) it includes WaHo, Skittles and Traffic Lights. WaHo, well, it goes for the stomach/ass. You finish the meal, and boom, you're feeling sick and next thing you know, 10 hours on the toilet seems like a more pleasant idea than what you're stuck with. I always feel that any meal at WaHo should come with a roll of toilet paper, a good book, and thermos to tide you over for teh next 12 hours or so. Speaking of a good book, ever get so into a book in the bathroom that you read a few chapters, but when you finish, you stand up and get those pins and needles that completely paralyze you for 10-15 minutes? I hate those, but love them at the same time.

After WaHo has killed off everything from your stomach down (legs too as i stated in the reading part), skittles attach your mouth. First they give you that need for more. Next thing you know, you've eaten 12 bags and your teeth are ready to fall out from all the sugar and chewing. I really think that much chewing has a detrimental effect on your life. I've spent hours at a clip chewing gum and i feel fine, but skittles, 5 minutes of chewing and i feel like i need a new jaw. They're so tough on you. It's like boxing heavyweights when you're used to lightweights. Sure, you're doing the same thing, but really, at a whole different level, it's so much harder. I finish a bag and just think, ok, i give up, you win. Maybe that's how you should get enemies to resign in war, throw skittles at them and be like "chew bitches!!!!" they'd give up after a few bags. Only thing i wonder, is that covered in the Geneva Convention?

Lastly, but certainly not least, by any stretch of the imagination, Traffic Lights. Traffic lights are the worst of all of them. They grate on your mind, body and soul. Your mind gets that effect of "oh, they'll be cool and stay green til i get to them, but no, they go yellow, and they taunt you by going yellow for a longer time than usual, then they go red. Even when there's nobody there, you just know that if you go thru, there's gonna be a cop. But besides, they're toying with you. My personal favorite is when you pull up to the light and every combination possible that doesn't allow you to go thru shows up for like 15 min. straight. Oh, that's fun, almost like an enema, but without the fresh and clean feeling. As far as the body effect, i really believe that those red lights lead to irreversible damage to your eyes and sperm count. I think sitting at red lights is the number one cause of infertile blind men. I know i'll be one of them one day due to the damned things. Last and least, your soul. You sacrifice it since you dream about the day you get to kill the traffic light. Oh, you're thinking to yourself "it's an inanimate object" well, that doesn't save it. Didn't prevent the moon from being a jackass, shouldn't prevent the lights from the hit i'm gonna put on them. Silly bastards.

Anyway, time for sleep....quote of the night is "My guy's so cool, when he goes to sleep, sheep count him."

Let's talk about death, baby

let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good thing and the bad things that kill me, let's talk about death. so i know what you're thinking, isn't this awful morbid for a ben post? Well, no, cause really, i'm not gonna talk about it near as much as you think, for once, i'm actually gonna ramble on with no point. And by saying "for once" i mean, like always. Cause you know me, i like to talk about nothing, it's my forte. Other people are good with computers, some with cars, others with literature, me, i'm good at nothing. And by nothing, i mean, this, cuase this is nothing at its best. I'm working on perfecting nothing. Waiting for the day when i'm in a job interview and they look at me and say "so what are you best at?" and i say "nothing", then they tell me to leave, so i have to explain what i mean by that. That's when they call security and are like "never come back again. And (as i'm getting dragged away) nice resume paper, really stood out." Which i just think would be funny, if they actually told you they liked the paper. That's like them walking up to you and saying, "so, we really don't care about your qualifications, or even if you have experience or education, but if you put down that extra 7 cents, that really says to us, that's a go getter, our kinda guy, those educated types are just a waste of our time. Let's judge by paper, not really anything that matters." Is that what they do? I dunno, i like to think they actually judge on teh snaziness of tie you wear, or for ladies of the tie you would be wearing if you had a penis. I think ties are where it's at. Ever see one of those ties that just makes you go "ooooo, pretty", you know the kind of tie i'm talking about. Like those really nice ones that go well with a suit, make good for interviews, and are snazzy and stuff. And how about the word snazzy, don't you just love it? I mean, is there a better word out there? If so, please do tell me, i think that snazzy is the bestest word out there. It almost sounds like you have a speach impediment cause you're saying a word that just sounds kinda off. Just say it to yourself...SNAZZY. Now say it with an sh at the beginning, shanzzy, sounds a little cooler, and a little more fucked up. Now add another sh later in the z's. Shanshzy. You sound like a 90 year old jewish man who forgot to put in his teeth today. It's the sexiest way to talk ever. Makes you think of George Burns, oh yeah, that's hot, gets those ladies, i mean the sweetness, all flustered just thinking about it. Ok, let your imagination run wild on this one. You and a guy who's say, oh 22, messing around. (realize the subtle hint about age, cause i'm 22, get it?) Then he goes into the bathroom, comes out and boom, he's a 90 year old man, wrinkly and decrepit. Oh, that is SO hot. You know it, just thinking about all the crevices throughout the body, oh, so sexy. And then that little raisin of a penis, that'll be the hottest thing in history. Now, try and get that image out of your head, i dare ya. Ok, so you can't, sorry. But you know that you're gonna be laughing about it for quite a while now. And any time you get in a bad mood, just click your heels together three times and say, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's a really shrively penis on a 90 year old man over there" and that should help with the mood. I think it's more the act of saying, or even just thinking, the phrase "shrively penis" that does it for me. that's just the funniest thing this side of Shnashzy to me. Granted, i can describe a good tie as snazzy, but i can't describe it as shrively penis. And really, when in your life do you get to say those words and it not be really depressing. Cuase the other times you would say it are "i ahve a shrively penis" That's super duper bad. "my husband/boyfriend has a shrively penis" that sucks for you, big time, i mean, it'd be like fucking a cashew, what's the point? But if you say "that guy has a shrively penis" that might be funnier, but then that gets followed up by "how do you know?" which will warrant an explanation. That explanation will probably not be good enough and you'll be there, like you're deserted on a desert island (see new TV show Lost, starring the hobbit dude that's not frodo or samwise, but the other guy) and everyone's staring at you and your 90 year old shrively penis. I think i like typing that. And i made that up, but no, the explanation part, taht would suck, cause the explaning would never be satisfactory and when it finally was, well, you'd be out a ton of pride. So, where was i? oh yeah, death. I was saying, death doesn't always have to be a morbid topic. You can have a line more like "so my buddy, death, we were out last night painting the town red. Ok, so i was just getting drunk, but you know those mythological guys, they take ever thing so seriously. So he goes to home depot, buys 5 million gallons of red paint, and next thing you know, boom, buckhead is red (that rhymed). So when he's in teh middle of it a couple of cops try to stop him, so what's he do? stop, no, he goes, you shoudl get home, your dog's about to die. I mean, this guy was a riot for the first few months, but then, he gets alittle out of control. Get 2 or 3 shots of tequila into death and next thing you know, the family pet's at risk. I think i've learned my lesson, he's sticking to beer. Never gets hungover from it, acts like less of an asshole, and well, you know, death hungover, that leads to lots of strange occurences. He was telling me some hangover stories. JFK, fifth of jack the night before in houston. RFK, well, let's just say the reaper likes his reefer. Marilyn Monroe, he went the wrong frat party (you know which one) and woke up saying "damn those roofies, now i have to kill a famous young person to make me feel alive again." Which that's kidna funny, cause he's never been alive, he's just this mythical entity. So yeah, death, that sucks.

And st heard something about people being stuffed into coffee cups, that would hurt. Alot.

Also, why have cups you can't put in teh dishwasher? That's the kind of thing that an incompetent social chair would do. Wait, wait, he did. My B. So tonight's guess the quote is this "Everybody needs money, that's why they call it money."

gay = bad

The infestation must be stopped. They're like termites, destroying the foundation of our society. They should be exterminated. Silly fags. That's what you would hear if i was a right wing, conservative asshole. But i'm not, as some would say, I'm a Liberal Hippy Douche, or as I like to be called, cool mack daddy hipster douche. Yeah, so that was really lame, but still, I told some people that I would title this one "gay = bad" so i did. Granted I was tempted to title it "gay = delicious" but that might have been taken the wrong way, so then i thought up "gay/straight - confused = that guy" or the obvious "gay + straight = bi", but taht was too easy. The one that i was really considering was "gay * sick ^ disgusting / normal = republican" but that might have offended some of my readers. I would have been right, but still it would have offended them.

So on to more important matters, like what's going on in my head. Which honestly, is nothing, i'm not much of a thinker, more of a spewer, just let the ideas flow as they come, see what drops by, comes out, seems funny, gets typed, you know how it is. Or you don't cause you're not me, and be a little thankful, cause my mind is a mess of pointless thoguhts. Nothing really comes thru too clearly except for when i'm really passionate about somehting, like baseball, movies or giving important advice to a close friend. And yes, i do give good advice, ask the gay types, i give them good advice, except for "the fag" (and he knows who he is, and yes, that makes me "the jew"), cause well, he doesn't need my advice, but we compliment eachother well, i think that's why we're such good friends. And now for the funny, i swear, it's coming, but wait, i have to go to work, so i'll finish this at some later time.

so now i'm back from work. It's been a good 10 hours or so. I was thinking these really profound thoughts on teh way back, but they're really not sticking in there. I was at a bar and thinking funny stuff, and now, it's gone, oh well. So I have to think of something to write here to entertain you, don't i? Well, i figure i can start iwth my favorite subject in the world, BEER! Beer is like the nectar of the gods. Except, well, if you take that literally, that would make it kinda like the jizz of the gods and that not cool, cause, as i mentioned in the title, gay=bad. Really, would you want to drink it if that's what it was? If you answer yes to this and are female, please, feel free to share this with me...vitally important information and all. So yeah, I was saying, beer is awesome. I think we should go back to the way it was before water purification existed and you drank beer instead cause it was safer. That would be soooooo super cool, it'd give me an excuse to drink at any point in time. But it would have such low alcohol content that it wouldn't really effect me.

And i was thinking about the earlier part of the post, wouldn't it be weird if i wasn't a liberal hippy type? I mean, imagine me as a crazy fuck-off right wing bastard. That would be SOOOOO weird. I would hate most of humanity (wait, i already do) but i would also be a right-wing bastard. That would so suck. I mean, i have nothing against them (except that they suck at life, like you do) and i really do like people (no, not really, just saying that to be nice), cuase they're people. yay people. Yay soylent green!!!! Soylent green is made of people!!!! yay to charleton heston for introducing that line into american pop culture.

And you ever think about that line "just saying it to be nice". It's like saying "well, fuck you times 1000, i really think you suck to the extreme, but i'm saying this to look like i don't hate you, then i'm going to announce that you suck to every one by saying 'well, just to be nice' cause you don't deserve nice, due to your suckiness". That's the biggest fuck you ever. I can see it now, "just to be nice, i would say that's a beautiful dress" which can be translated to "that trashy piece of shit looks like something a hooker would give away cause it's too risque for her, a little too trashy i would venture." I think that's gonna be my new thing, i'll start every sentence with "just to be nice" and see how many times i get punched, slapped, shot or killed. I'm betting in one week, the number exceeds 10. So, just to be nice, i'm gonna end this post. And i'll end it with this line (cookie if you know what it's from) "can you blow me where the pampers is?"

Don't read this...It's about you

This post goes out to my roomie, and one of my best friends, Skokie. He's an idiot, he knows he's an idiot, well, hell, we all know he's an idiot, but we love him anyway. Basically, he's about the only person that I know who would write about something online that he didn't want someone to know. And of course, with his luck, they read it, and boom, that's that. So this post goes out to all my loyal readers....it's about you :)

First off, let's start with the honeys, or as they will be referred to for the rest of the post, sweetness. So I've decided that sweetness is a wonderful thing. They're nice, they torment you, but really, without the torment, would the nice really feel that nice? It's kind of like if all you ever ate was candy, wouldn't it stop tasting good? So here's what you do guys, you line up two sets of sweetness, one that torments the ever living hell out of you, and one that does the exact opposite. It's almost like jumping from the pool to the hot tub, and oh my does that transition feel awesome, except when you hop in and you get one of those hugs shorts bubbles and it looks like you fart this humungous fart when you push it out of your shorts (and face it, when else in your life can the phrase "push it out of your shorts" be completely innocent like that). The other time that transition sucks is when you go in, then stand up real quick and boom, naked. I mean, it feels nice, but damn, it's embarassing (not for me, i don't get embarassed, but for all the other people there who have to stare at my special spots). OK, so they don't have to stare, but they do, cause it's like "this might be wrong, oh well, that's a special area, and I see it." It's almost like they let you into area 51 for a general tour, not like sneaking in. Cuase if you get there by less overt means (like getting me in bed :-P) then it's ok, but if you get the public view (see Hot Tub) well, that's just wrong, think strip club but i get no money :( So where was I? Oh yeah, sweetness, which i think should really be something more along the lines of bitter-sweetness, cause every fly honey sweetness (and yes, i know, i'm white, and i mean really white) loves to torture guys, they know they do, if they say they don't, they're lying. But hey, take the good with the bad, enjoy them both, have a ball, two in fact, and smile.

Then on to the other side of the spectrum (from the angle of the sweetness) the dudes, we'll call them ABBNQSTLICCAYKI (Almost Ben But Not Quite So They Lack In Certain Capacities And You Know It) or for short nuh-uhs (cause when you ask if they're me, you go "nuh-uh"). Ok, so that name makes me look SOOOOOOOO egotistical, but well, first, i'm kidding, second, if you really think i'm serious (or that egotistical) maybe you're just compensating for your insanely small penis/IQ (whichever insults you more). So the nuh-uhs, well, including me in this, we're idiots. We do the DUMBEST SHIT EVER!!! and on a fairly regular basis. Sometimes we realize it and then make the "I'm a fucking moron, please forgive me" call, sometimes we don't and someone goes "you're an ass for xyz reason" and we go "I'm a fucking moron please forgive me". So that's not all that funny, i Know, but it is fact and i felt it needed to be said. The thing about us is that we're morons, natural morons, and when it comes to those fly fly honey sweetness of lady women-type sexiness (as many descriptions as i could fit) we act even dumber. Our minds have these switches that kind of go "on for school, off for women" or in my case "off for school, off for women, off for partying, on for baseball". i've learned to cope, there are 5 things I'm good at in this world, and three relate to this blog :(

Ok, so that's my sad case, i'm pathetic, i really do nothing all day except work, i have so little social life left that when i get to act like i have one, i get all excited and fuck it up. Silly rabbit, social is for cool people, or those with the time for it. And have you ever wondered about that rabbit? I mean, really, what was he on? I always say he was a tweaker (speed addict) cause he constantly comes up with the insanely retarded plans to steal a bowl of fucking cereal. I mean really, what kind of a moron puts that much effort into 55 cents worth of cereal? I've already talked about this before regarding Barney Rubble i do believe, but this is worse. Only a tweaker would think up "if i dress up, win first place in this competition, i can win some fucking cereal." Not "I can win, get an endorsement, buy 1000x as much of the shit with my new found stash". Really, what company wouldn't pay tons for a talking skating, surfing, rollerblading, etc. rabbit? I know if i owned one, I'd give him all the cereal he'd ever want. Morons over at post, sitting on a gold mine and not exploiting it, they should loan him out to starter companies, it's brilliant. You just wish you thought shit like this up too.

So for the day, i bid you adu with "Do I look anarexic or bolemic skinny?" (did i spell anarexic and bolemic right? and regardless, cookie to the person that knows the movie, tie-breaker if you know the character/person playing them)

Goodnight Moon

i said goodnight moon....it's rude not to respond...ok, fine, we're not talking anymore...that moon, what a jackass. I mean really, it's like trying to use the old excuse "so, i'm an inanimate object, don't assume my ass is gonna talk back to you"...but then like adding on a friendly "bitch" at the end. I feel hurt, that was truly painful. Such an evil moon, i can't wait til the new moon, then i don't have to look at its stupid face for a whole night, that'll be nice. so mean, evil evil moon. which makes me think it's got to be female, cause boys are dumb (hence me talking to the moon) and women are evil (cause they are, i can't explain why, they just are).

And the epiphany of the day...I would so rather be smart and injured than stupid and healthy. Think about it, if you were stupid and healthy, you'd still be stupid, and while you would enjoy being healthy and all, your stupidity would cause you suck at life. On the other hand, if you're injured and smart, well, then you can just find ways to keep happy even though you're not healthy. Like if i had a broken leg, i'd still find ways to have fun and be entertained, granted all from crutches. On the other hand, if i was stupid, well, i'd be stupid, and that would suck. Speaking of stupidity....

I'm bringing my personal life into the blog....i'm confused.

Now that that's over with, is confusion so bad? I mean, eventually things will make sense, and if they make sense you're not confused anymore, and all is right in the world. That's almost like i continued on the personal track, but not really, just the random thought that i had. And i was thinking about the most confusing thing there is, when you line up your hands wrong on the keyboard. You know what i'm talking about...you don't get the fingers where they belong and instead of typing things like "hi, how are you?" you type "hi hoe str you?". Talk about confusing me, it causes lots and lots of deletion. And when the other person sees it they're like "you on crack, acid, pcp or sleep deprivation?" to which i always answer, "erll fuh, og voutdr i'm on vtsvk." :-P you know you're translating that right now....

So yeah, not really feeling like i'm at my usual form tonight, usually, i'd be blogging til the cows come home, but apparently, i'm only waiting for the mules, and they turn in early. And honestly, who came up with that statement..."til the cows come home" do they ever really leave, i thought all they do is graze. Apparently i was wrong, they hit the clubs, hook up with strangers, sleep in weird places, wake up in odder ones, get banned from bars, eat lots of Krystal (chiks, no, not cannibalism, we don't condone that here), get a shake at shitty cafe, realize they have a lab due in 6 hours, hit up mac's for some vodka, start drinking, go back home, and start on the lab report....crazy cows...i like them more and more every time i meet them. There are people out there that are cows, and if you call them one, it should be a compliment, that they're cool and party, not an insult that they're fat. Mules though, they suck, they're short, akward, not really cute, have that screetchy annoying voice, and they're no fun to ride. last time they went to a bar wasw 1978, adn that was only cause they were serving 2 for 1 hay and juice mixes. They're usually home by 10 and when they're not, they're just thinking about all of the work they have to do when they get home, not the random crossbreeds they can take back with them. Boring mules....nobody really likes them anyway. (if you're a mule, and can read, i don't apologize, cause i can have kids and you can't....HA!)

And i'm back to old form....you like, you love it, you want some more of it, uh huh, ok, uh huh, that's right....Gooooooooo BEN! And that brings me to cheers....they're kinda dumb. There are so few that are really good, like the Budweiser Song, or stuff like that. But really, I can only go "gooooo jackets" so many times before a game without finally being like "what i said before, it goes for now too, woo hoo, go team". Don't get me wrong, i love GT sports, but can i just sit and watch without having to do some of the really bad cheers? like for example the one that's like do-do-do-do-do-do, Go jackets, do-do-do-do-do-do, go jackets, do-do-do-do-do-do, go jackets, doot-do-do-do-dooooooo, AHHHH!!!! But anyway, i think i'm done with the whole posting thing today.....good luck, be cool, don't suck, and don't drool....ok, so the sign off needs work, i'll side with "i'm the greatest man alive!!!" for today....or not, cause i don't want to quote adam sandler...here is the real one, and it might stick "Together we...burned the village...raped the horses...rode off on the women...pillaged...plundered...who the hell are you?" (yay for Three Amigos)

My Stomach Itches

Like, right on the left lower part, just above my pants....but i'm too lazy to pull my shirt up or even move my hands from teh keyboard right now, so it'll stay that way. Ok, so it became unbearable and i had to give in. I mean, you ever get that itch that's not that bad, but it builds and builds til eventually, you feel like you're going to explode? But you can't give in, you feel like if you do, you're a lesser person or something. But I gave in, yes, it's true. I suck now, I must suck at life or something like that. But don't tell me that, tell it to this brand new puppet (my new mascot). Ok, so you can't see a puppet, can you? You must be blind, get those eyes checked. That's right, Bitches. So now that I have your attention, assuming your shoddy eyes can still read, on to the rest of the post....

Rules for wearing clothes: 1. If you aren't sure whether you should wear shorts or not and the temperature outside is higher than 80 degrees, then you shouldn't ever wear anything other than baggy shirts and pants, or dresses (option for women only), cause you aren't wondering whether to wear it for practical reasons (heat) but for asthetics (you're fat). 2. If you can't see a body part on the front side, don't wear any clothing tha forces us to see any body part other than your head, hands, wrists or forearms. 3. If you don't look in the mirror cause you don't like what you see, then don't make me look at it, I'm sensitive, and it's likely to warp my fragile little mind. 4. If you have to ask "Does this make me look fat?" the answer is most likely yes, cause we don't know, but really, does an outfit have an effect on that or should you just face facts? If it does, would some girl explain before I dig myself into a deeper whole by suggesting they should wear nothing other than baggy sweats everyday for the rest of their lives?

So yeah, it might seem like I'm picking on fat people, but I'm not. I just find it much too annoying when there are people walking around in clothes that they should never wear for the sake of humanity. Not like i'm asking all ugly people to walk around in masks, cause while that is a good idea, it would be considered insensitive and that's just not practical, since they would have to walk around in masks and really, they could make faces at us all day long without us knowing. I mean, FUCK SENSITIVITY!!! I don't particularly care what most people think, I'm worried about losing my sight to some fatass walking around in a tank top and daisy dukes. Sure, call me an asshole, I am being one about this, but hey, you're the one reading this aren't you? And you've read it before, so you've come to terms with the fact that I'm really bitter and I think the world is made up of degenerates and morons....

Speaking of morons, I have an idea for a new traffic system. You know those pollen counts and stuff like that where they go "pollen count is at 10000000 today, if you go outside you will immediately cease respiratory function due to the fact you will be breathing only pollen, no actual air will make it thru" well, think if instead of that there was an "Idiot Count" each day. On a day with an idiot count of 0, I'm the only one on the road, or at least there are so few that the chances of running into an idiot is close to 0. On a day with a count around 10, there are a few slow-downs due to pure stupidity, where if the drivers were smarter than they are traffic would be at 65 but since they're not it's at 50, not the end of the world, just stupidity. A count of 100 means there's an accident that could have been avoided but obviously people who don't know how to drive caused an accident, blocked up lanes and that stopped up traffic a bit. 500 is where 100 happened and those motherfuckers that think it lookes cool over in the crash are rubbernecking causing my 5 min. accident delay to be more like 20 min. 2000 is the pinnacle, my favorite and an Atlanta favorite, starts with 100, progresses to 500 and the problems along with the fact that merge and stop are the same word here, it gets worse. But wait, there's more, imagine if you will, rather than stopping properly, one of the cars plows into the car in front of it. This causes a second 100 and in turn a second 500. Now the inability to take side streets, carpool, merge, think, drive, use blinkers, look before changing lanes, or keep proper distance all take effect. This multiplies the accident and you hear the following words over the radio "(insert highway here) is a parking lot from (insert area here) to (insert second area miles away here) and it doesn't look like it's going anywhere soon. I think the front crash is 6 SUVs, all single passenger. The second crash looks much the same, alot of SUVs, I hear they were all on cell phones while changing radio stations and trying to get stuff from their back seats. Yes, you heard me right, it's miles of idiots below me." And all this without even getting to a 10000.

So yeah, there it is, my rant about stupid people is over for the night, so in turn, the post is over, cause that's what i do :-D

That's a spicy a meataballa

So yeah, two posts, less than 24 hours, what are you going to do? Explode? That's not my suggestion. I was going to suggest drinking until there is nothing left to drink. cause really, given the choice would you rather read this while existing as particulate matter stuck to the walls in a post explosion phase or would you prefer reading this drunk? I would side with drunk, since it would make my random rants and raving writings seem almost coherent, or even less so and in turn more amusing.

But today I had to write cause i realized what is the worst torture ever, the dentist. Not becuase they prod your teeth or it might hurt, but due to the real injustice. They make you sit in the ultra-super-crazy-amazingly comfortable chair, and then they make you stay awake in it while they fiddle with your teeth. I think those crazy arab fuckers out there (and if you don't know whether you're one or not, you probably are) have nothing on a dentist. I mean, those guys put you in uncomfortable situations and make them less comfortable. Now imagine the shock your body would go thru if they made you both exceedingly comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. Think about it....ok, done. So now you see my point? good, I don't, so i'll just assume you know what i was talking about back there and I no longer have any clue. I think now's a time for a short break, i'll be right back to finish this sucker up. Time is currently 1:59 PM...

Time is now 2:00 am. short break is over. after talking to my only reader (and yes, i know more than one person reads this, but that's her new title) i've decided to get this one started again. so let's go over what i realized today. People are stupid until they prove themselves otherwise, even if only for a second. If you are unable to prove that you have any intelligence at all, i will submit my request to the desk at the white house you be taken out back and treated like you're a dog and "Old Yeller" is about to end. Speaking of old movies, I really like them. I think more people need to see the classics, like "Seven Samauri" or "Von Ryan's Express". But if you think those are too old for you, i would suggest the contemperary classics such as "Attack of the Killer Tomatos", "Killer Klowns from Outer Space", "Weekend at Bernie's 2" and of course, the greatest film of the last 25 years "The Day After Tomorrow". Note: If you think this last sentence was serious, please do the world a favor and remove your baby making organs. Since it would be illegal for me to kill you, i'd prefer you were removed from the gene pool by some permanent manner other than that.

So back to the classics. I really think that Attack of the Killer Tomatos should be required viewing in every film class as an example of what not to do unless so stoned you can't tell which direction is up or what a really really shitty film looks like. As far as killer klowns goes, it must be watched for many reasons. First, the bad guys are fucking clowns, how stupid is that. I mean, it worked in It, but that's cause it wasn't really a clown. These dumbasses went, you know what'd be cool, clowns that kill people, wouldn't that be scary? Now what kind of a idiot thought this was a good idea. I mean, the script comes across your desk, you read it and say "wow, this'll make us millions!!! i thought waterworld was where it's at, and boy was i wrong, this one's even better, let's make both." But yeah, this movie, has ingenious things in it like turning people they kill into giant cotton candy things and then thye used these huge crazy straws that they stuck into them to suck the blood out. I mean, really, these people, they should be shot for coming up with such a bad movie. If not shot, i say we drown them in the proverbial gene pool, by holding them under a hot tub at a skeezy motel, i mean there have to be plenty of genes in there. It probably doesn't get cleaned all that often either. So we're talking about the closest thing to the gene pool is a hot tub full of "genes". Anyway, back to the classics right?

So weekend at bernie's 2, which from this point forward will just be referred to as Andrew McCarthy Career Killer or AMCK, cause that's what it did. Yeah, this movie, I mean, the first one was funny, but really got old. Cuase dragging a dead guy around for 90 min. not only is pretty disgusting, i mean imagine the smell, but really, could you fool that many people for that long? I can only imagine it. I die before i have to make some major presentation and i have this assistant that decides he'll convince everyone i'm alive by walking with me over his arm for days, telling them i'm drunk. Then they'll all go, that ben, so silly, always drinking to the point where we don't know if he's dead or not, wait, is he dead? I don't know...hahahahaha. I mean, really, Andy, what were you thinking....the first one, you could have hidden it in the vaults, pretended you never did it, or even enjoy that you were in a cult classic, but my god what do you do? Make AMCK, a sequel. And what happens in it? he gets cursed so he walks around looking for this gold. And the hilarity ensues when he starts to wander all over jamacia. Wow, best script since KKFOS i swear. But yeah, i mean, really, what person actively pursues ways to kill their careers. A sequel of a movie about a dead guy. how much can you do before it gets WAY too old, shoot him a few times? wait, they did that, 5 times. Drop him? many times. Lose him? half the movie. I mean, i thought the gag got old about 4 years earlier when they made teh first one, but that must be just me. Hopefully someone out ther agrees with me on this.

Last and certainly not least, this generations second greatest comedy (behind Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, but more about that some other time, go see it!!!) The Day After Tomorrow. I know what you're saying, "wasn't that a disaster movie?" the next armageddon, deep impact, or maybe even if it's lucky Volcano. But no, they got what they wished was half as good as Dante's Peak ( an absolute bomb if you didn't remember, which unlike AMCK, Pierce Brosnan hid it away and nobody remembered it, they just remember movies like bond and Thomas Crown Affair, smart man, Andy, why coulnd't you be like him? do you see a Dante's Peak 2: Dante's Crack? No, LEARN PEOPLE LEARN!!!). So DAT, this movie was so ridiculous and stupid that I think even the experts in the movie were going, wait, this is full of shit, this can't happen. I just realized I'm in a movie that was made by hippies to warn us about global warming. That's kinda cool and groovy. What's not cool and groovy is that i think they wrote it on acid or shrooms, possibly even X. But this script had no lines outside of RUN!! SAVE ME!!! for a good 30 min. But that's not what makes this so funny, that's only part. My favorite line in the whole movie comes from the character that you have to hate cause he's the rich prick that steals the girl the sweet main character pines for. So Jake Gyllenhall is this sweet kid and he sees the girl and is pining for her when the "asshole" comes over and says "Just tell her how you feel..." I mean really, just tell her how you feel? Two things wrong with that more than the other stuff. First, for that character to say it was just comical. Second, that's the kind of thing that a girl can say, if a guy ever says just tell her/him how you feel, he's not gay, cause not even gay guys do that, he's just a guy that wishes he was a girl and you know what, he might just be a cross-dresser. But yeah, highly comical. i just laughed and laughed the whole movie. And i realized it could have been salvaged if the movie ended about 5 minutes before it did, but then, the stupidity kept flowing, i mean, really you have to see this to believe it, i can't even explain how bad it was. Ok, time for sleep, talk to you tomorrow mr. blog, maybe, or it could be next week. Only my only reader will know.

If only everyone were as good looking as me, then we wouldn't need ugly people, would we?

or something like that. It sounded witty in my head anyway. Cause I mean, if everyone looked like me, then I guess nobody would be beautiful or ugly, they'd all be me. In other words, this would no longer be earth, but planet Dead Sexy! And if they all looked like me, would they think kinda like me too? I mean, wouldn't that be a possibility, that everyone is driving and then regardless of who's at fault, they all think they're the good driver and the other person should be removed from the gene pool. And speaking of removing people from the gene pool....

So on my way back from the officers' meeting, I hear this commercial that went something like this..."Nicaragua isn't it the news that much anymore. There are people here who suck at life. Help them with our program 'Hooked on Nutrition'. We'll give them a sack of ho-hos and maybe a twinkie if they roll over, play dead, and even do our favorite trick, read. So donate to us, the Amigos for Christ, to save those silly mexican wanna-bes down in Nicaragua." Ok, so that wasn't quite it, I really only remembered the first line and the name of the group and that they send food to the people, so the rest is made up, big shock there. Anyway, i forget where I was going cause i got sidetracked by a 45 min. phone conversation. 10 pts. if you can guess who the conversation was with, 10 if you can guess what it was about, 10 if you are that person, and 10 if you bring me candy. Anyone totalling 30 points is ultra cool, 40 pts, well, then thank you 100 lbs. of fury. But yeah, so Amigos for Christ. I really thought it was a joke at first. Like it sounded the kind of quality that you would hear if SNL was a radio show and that was the fake commercial for the show. I was almost expecting them to be like "Amigos for Christ will send them one package of chips a day with salsa. Every third day, they get nacho cheese, every fifth day, they get beef topping. on that fifteenth day, we throw in a few beers and it's a party!!! Who says the poor and impoverished in Nicaragua can't have a siesta now and again?" I really wish that had been the way it went, would have been much better. The real problem is that the commercial got me thinking about Sally Struthers, and if you ever want a joykill, just picture her, and BOOM!

So, anyway, where was I? I think I had a point to today's blog, but then wait a second, these never have a point, they're just pointless ways for me to rant and get people to slowly but surely agree with my right-thinking attitude. And when i say right thinking, i mean correct, not right wing (for those who need verification, read the "'pubs are stupid" post), cause that would be a horrible mistake. I think if everyone thought like me, even better than if they looked like me, well, then we'd all be a lot smarter on average. Not saying I'm a genius or anything, but if you gave my intelligence to all the fuckin' idiots out there in the world, you realize that this would be smarter on average. Granted, we wouldn't have any real geniuses around, and we'd lose more braincells to rugby than otherwise, but hey, woulnd't be so stupid that velcro would need directions.

Ever notice that, they have directions for everything now. I mean, really, who needs directions for soap, or shampoo, or anything like that. I'm waiting for the banana with directions on the peel. one side with have a nice drawn out demonstration, and all the others will just have "peel me" written on them. And I can just imagine the day when someone is so dumb they peel the banana with directions and they peel the side with the diagram on it, so once they 've peeled that one side, they have to find a way to hold that side up long enough to apply the diagram to each side in turn til the thing is edible. I'm imagining the scenario with the monkeys all making fun of us for being so damned stupid and they're just sitting there eating their bananas by common sense, and we're sitting there reading the freaking directions. Then, they take the gun, and we sign to them "give back teh gun." and they say "give me the fucking bananas" and we're like "you can speak english?", so they say "yes, now give me the fucking bananas." Eddie Izzard reference for those that didn't catch it.

So what else was there going on? not much since it's about 2 am and i think 6 hours sounds like a good amount of sleep. Hopefully tomorrow is a new day and i can get over myself and do what i need to get done before it's no longer doable. Or something lke that, which i say alot. I seem to say the same kinds of things alot. not ideas, but actual words, like "ever notice that..." or something along those lines. whatever, you think it's funny, just live with it. So from the whitest guy alive "peace out and shake a tailfeather" (isn't that what I say when i want to be blacker?)

Hung like a wookie...

I've decided that now the titles of these posts don't have to have anything at all to do with the posts themselves. Cause really, what's the damned point of giving away what i'm going to talk about in the first line. I want to keep you in suspense, hooked, draw you in and let you go when i'm done. You're screwed you have to listen to me now if you want to know what this post is going to be about. See, you know, once i've realized that you're probably going to read the whole thing once you're in this far, I can just ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on...so for my noble following, I shall begin the rant :)

The new thing I realized I can't stand to day are people that hold signs on street corners. I saw this one guy with a sign that said "Bring Our Troops Home" and sure I agree with him, but that doesn't mean I like him holding up the sign. I was thinking, I should walk up to him and say, no, leave them there, we should add more guys, leave none of them home, send them all abroad. Or something like that. I might have felt a bit like a jackass, but it's still better than being the schmuck holding the sign. I think I'm gonna get sign made up that says "I hate pedestrians" and hold it up while walking thru crosswalks for hours on end. Sure, again, i'd feel like a jackass, but still better than being someone holding a serious sign. The other ideas for signs would be "People can read suck" or "Reading this sign causes impotence". And think if it really did. You know you would send it to that guy you hate (an ex or a good friend's ex or your mortal enemy, whatever). I mean, what better revenge than causing impotence. That would be absolute torture and I personally don't even want to imagine it.

The other thing that I'm realizing (watching cartoon network) is just how cracked out a whole lot of commercials and/or cartoons are. They really don't worry about looking sane, they just do what they do. I mean, think about the fruity pebbles commercials. Fred puts more money into stopping his best friend from taking his damned pebbles than he does around his car, tv or the rest of the house in general. And there was one where barney steals his car to get the pebbles, and what does fred scream you ask? is it "give me back my car you danish prick?" (and yes, he is danish, i mean, just look at that nose and the hair and the fact he's blond, etc.) or "just take the fucking cereal and give me back the damned car"? no, it's "Give me back my fruity pebbles", i mean, really, "give me back my fruity pebbles", is that the best he can come up with? Really, are they that important? they're just fucking fruity damned pebbles, i figure he can definitely afford to replace them. The real question is why can't barney afford his own? I mean, he has a house, car, wife. He could definitely get a few boxes for betty. I mean, she was played by Rosie O'Donnel in the movie, and I don't know how many boxes i could get for her, but i have a feeling it's more than the 3 in the car he stole. And grand theft auto doesn't come as a charge for selling your wife. And then the car, there are at least a few thousand bowls for that, and then the house, well, i won't even go there. But really, if he's so poor he can't afford that cereal, then he should just sell the car, the house, drop betty off at the corner of ponce and monroe, and call it a life. Honestly.

That gets me wondering, and yes that does mean trouble, what they would have called ponce in a prehistoric times. I mean, would it have been some other explorer? Like "jim of cave 51" ave. or maybe it would be something simple like "that guy" dr. or "random explorer type that came here first before we learned to write things down so we don't know his name" blvd. I think those are all perfectly viable names for it. Juniper still would have been the same name though, so we could still find the intersection to drop her off at.

Well, I'm running out of ideas for today, and i have work later, so i'm gonna stop typing now, so live with it.

The Joker to Their Batman...

So i've realized that everyone needs to have a mortal enemy, I have mine and you most likely have yours.  Here's what a job listing for it would look like.
Wanted:  Mortal Enemy
Requirements:  Must be hated by myself.  Must hate me.  When they are asked if I hate them, must have an answer between yes and no, but not either (acceptable answers include not sure, could be, might be true, possibly, etc.).  Same when I am asked about them.  Must have been friends, preferably very good friends, the better the friend, the more bitter the enemy.  You have mutual friends that know the two of you hate eachother.  You act perfectly civil to eachother when in the presence of those friends.  When the two of you are alone, you still act civil because neither of you wants to let the other know how much you despise them.  You will never do anything overt that would give your hatred away, you won't even do something subtle, since that might ruin future plans to ruin their life, your ultimate play, or something like that.  You can actually come up with plans relating their future that when you tell them to someone, they think you're a sick bastard, but you think it's perfectly acceptable.  You assume they have 2 plans for every one you have for them.
Deal-Breakers:  You have told them you hate them or the other way around.  You have had a falling out and the two of you refuse to be in the same area at the same time.  You have executed the ultimate plan (and it worked or didn't doesn't really matter, cause they can't be your mortal enemy if you've already defeated them by now).  You have only known them as an enemy, meaning it was hatred from the start, you skipped both the indifferent and liking stages.

So that's what you need to find your mortal enemy, and you know you have one.  If you can figure out who mine is, feel free to tell me and i'll give you candy if you're right.  Don't post it though, i wouldn't want him/her to know just how much i despise them, now would i?

Now that brings me to the title.  I figure that being someone's mortal enemy makes me the Joker his/her Batman and him/her the Joker to mine.  But really, to win, you have to have a nice balance between Joker and Batman.  If you're too Joker, that makes you evil and you lose all sorts of redeming qualities and stuff, I don't know, something about the bad guy never wins or something like that.  If you're too Batman, well, then you're too busy being good, and you're bound to lose cause you'll never attack and you can't win without an attack here and there, and well, nice guys always finish last.  So you do have to balance it, but lean toward Joker, cause evil is not only more effective, but fun too.

And next, mortal enemies...cause there are tons of them in this world.  I mean, there are the really easy to notice ones, like Joker/Batman, Lex Luthor/Superman, Magneto/Professor X, and those ones are really the epitome of the evil v. good.  I mean, Joker is like the evilest most straight-forward bad guy ever, Luthor is the very "I'll fuck with your life, but not you cause that would be an overt attack on you" guy, and Magneto, well, he and X are best friends and mortal enemies, making them the most bitter enemies of all.  But that got me to thinking (and I know, that's trouble) there must be all forms of fun rivals in this world, and not in sports or something obvious like that, but where.  So, here goes...Candy/Dessert.  I know, you may be thinking to yourself, candy, well, it's just candy, but I say, it's diabolical.  Candy and Milk, mortal enemies.  You can have the two together, but they don't quite work.  They're always fighting for the same group, the sweet loving crowd.  And yes, milk, cause it leads to cake and ice cream, etc., but candy, that's pure sugar.  So candy is sitting there, thinking, going "well, milk's wedding is coming up, and he's invited me, very interesting what to do?"  So he goes on (and i know they're both guys, but really he is just so much easier for me, don't ask why) and comes up with the idea that he can go to the wedding and either be evil, very evil, extremely evil, or make the devil fucking jealous.  So candy goes to the reception and weighs the options, evil=get drunk and act unruly during the whole thing, very evil=object to marraige and give fake reason why that will fuck it up, extremely evil=with them good luck, give them a nice present, be the best guest at the wedding, let everything stay perfectly normal, then get milk's wife into bed and take pictures... Then, last but certainly not least, make the devil fucking jealous (and this is my most evil thought yet) goes to wedding and does everything but the wife part, acts like a great friend for about 20 or so years, buys toys for birthdays of the kids (let's say they have 2, nice round number) sends checks, etc., then come the time the kids are about 18 and 20 (nice round numbers again) candy gets them into a threesome, makes a video and sends it to dad.  Now that, that is evil personified.  Candy, most likely in the Mike & Ike form cause they're my favorites, decides that this is just evil enough, and should work, but also has to wait 20+ years for this to work, so it's also just passive enough to make it the most diabolical move ever.  If it was an immediate thing, they might see it coming, but you delay it, oh so much more cruel.

You know another one of those enemies i thoguht up, Nougat.  Nougat and Peanuts.  Well, the fight really takes form in the Snickers v. Milky Way front.  Cause they're the same thing, with the exception of the peanut.  But I mean, without the peanut, the snickers is just a Milky Way, and without the nougat, just a Baby Ruth.  While both the MW and BR are very good candy bars, they just don't stack up to the glory that is the snickers.  Well, there was a point in there somewhere, but i have no idea what it is.  Anyway, I love nougat, and what the hell is nougat, no idea.  I think it's yummy goodness, the best yummy goodness this side of mac and cheese.  mmmmmm, mac and cheese, now that's good stuff.  I honestly think I could live off of nothing more than chicken, mac and cheese and the occasionaly veggie.  I'd probably die from malnutrition, but it'd be a tasty way to go.  Alrighty, I'm getting way off base, so please leave me some cool stories or something relating to your mortal enemy, it'll entertain me, and you know you want that.