So i've realized that everyone needs to have a mortal enemy, I have mine and you most likely have yours. Here's what a job listing for it would look like.
Wanted: Mortal Enemy
Requirements: Must be hated by myself. Must hate me. When they are asked if I hate them, must have an answer between yes and no, but not either (acceptable answers include not sure, could be, might be true, possibly, etc.). Same when I am asked about them. Must have been friends, preferably very good friends, the better the friend, the more bitter the enemy. You have mutual friends that know the two of you hate eachother. You act perfectly civil to eachother when in the presence of those friends. When the two of you are alone, you still act civil because neither of you wants to let the other know how much you despise them. You will never do anything overt that would give your hatred away, you won't even do something subtle, since that might ruin future plans to ruin their life, your ultimate play, or something like that. You can actually come up with plans relating their future that when you tell them to someone, they think you're a sick bastard, but you think it's perfectly acceptable. You assume they have 2 plans for every one you have for them.
Deal-Breakers: You have told them you hate them or the other way around. You have had a falling out and the two of you refuse to be in the same area at the same time. You have executed the ultimate plan (and it worked or didn't doesn't really matter, cause they can't be your mortal enemy if you've already defeated them by now). You have only known them as an enemy, meaning it was hatred from the start, you skipped both the indifferent and liking stages.
So that's what you need to find your mortal enemy, and you know you have one. If you can figure out who mine is, feel free to tell me and i'll give you candy if you're right. Don't post it though, i wouldn't want him/her to know just how much i despise them, now would i?
Now that brings me to the title. I figure that being someone's mortal enemy makes me the Joker his/her Batman and him/her the Joker to mine. But really, to win, you have to have a nice balance between Joker and Batman. If you're too Joker, that makes you evil and you lose all sorts of redeming qualities and stuff, I don't know, something about the bad guy never wins or something like that. If you're too Batman, well, then you're too busy being good, and you're bound to lose cause you'll never attack and you can't win without an attack here and there, and well, nice guys always finish last. So you do have to balance it, but lean toward Joker, cause evil is not only more effective, but fun too.
And next, mortal enemies...cause there are tons of them in this world. I mean, there are the really easy to notice ones, like Joker/Batman, Lex Luthor/Superman, Magneto/Professor X, and those ones are really the epitome of the evil v. good. I mean, Joker is like the evilest most straight-forward bad guy ever, Luthor is the very "I'll fuck with your life, but not you cause that would be an overt attack on you" guy, and Magneto, well, he and X are best friends and mortal enemies, making them the most bitter enemies of all. But that got me to thinking (and I know, that's trouble) there must be all forms of fun rivals in this world, and not in sports or something obvious like that, but where. So, here goes...Candy/Dessert. I know, you may be thinking to yourself, candy, well, it's just candy, but I say, it's diabolical. Candy and Milk, mortal enemies. You can have the two together, but they don't quite work. They're always fighting for the same group, the sweet loving crowd. And yes, milk, cause it leads to cake and ice cream, etc., but candy, that's pure sugar. So candy is sitting there, thinking, going "well, milk's wedding is coming up, and he's invited me, very interesting what to do?" So he goes on (and i know they're both guys, but really he is just so much easier for me, don't ask why) and comes up with the idea that he can go to the wedding and either be evil, very evil, extremely evil, or make the devil fucking jealous. So candy goes to the reception and weighs the options, evil=get drunk and act unruly during the whole thing, very evil=object to marraige and give fake reason why that will fuck it up, extremely evil=with them good luck, give them a nice present, be the best guest at the wedding, let everything stay perfectly normal, then get milk's wife into bed and take pictures... Then, last but certainly not least, make the devil fucking jealous (and this is my most evil thought yet) goes to wedding and does everything but the wife part, acts like a great friend for about 20 or so years, buys toys for birthdays of the kids (let's say they have 2, nice round number) sends checks, etc., then come the time the kids are about 18 and 20 (nice round numbers again) candy gets them into a threesome, makes a video and sends it to dad. Now that, that is evil personified. Candy, most likely in the Mike & Ike form cause they're my favorites, decides that this is just evil enough, and should work, but also has to wait 20+ years for this to work, so it's also just passive enough to make it the most diabolical move ever. If it was an immediate thing, they might see it coming, but you delay it, oh so much more cruel.
You know another one of those enemies i thoguht up, Nougat. Nougat and Peanuts. Well, the fight really takes form in the Snickers v. Milky Way front. Cause they're the same thing, with the exception of the peanut. But I mean, without the peanut, the snickers is just a Milky Way, and without the nougat, just a Baby Ruth. While both the MW and BR are very good candy bars, they just don't stack up to the glory that is the snickers. Well, there was a point in there somewhere, but i have no idea what it is. Anyway, I love nougat, and what the hell is nougat, no idea. I think it's yummy goodness, the best yummy goodness this side of mac and cheese. mmmmmm, mac and cheese, now that's good stuff. I honestly think I could live off of nothing more than chicken, mac and cheese and the occasionaly veggie. I'd probably die from malnutrition, but it'd be a tasty way to go. Alrighty, I'm getting way off base, so please leave me some cool stories or something relating to your mortal enemy, it'll entertain me, and you know you want that.
Monday, July 26, 2004
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
OK, so I don't post as often anymore...
I'm sorry, and as I learned on saturday night, people do get mad at me for not posting. So, that leads into my little quiz for everyone, it's called the "Do I Suck At Life" Quiz...
1. I have read the blog...
A. Every time there's a new comment
B. Every time there's a new post
C. A few times
D. My first time
E. Never, someone is taking this quiz for me
2. When driving I use my blinkers when...
A. Changing Lanes and Turning
B. Changing Lanes or Turning, but not the other
C. When I feel like letting people know I'm moving left or right
D. Never
E. When going straight
3. I shower...
A. Daily or close enough
B. More than once a day
C. Miss a day here and there (more than 5%)
D. Only after sweating super-large amounts
E. Between once a week and Never
4. I find this quiz...
A. Funny
B. Stupid
C. Silly
D. Pointless
E. Annoying cause I know it pertains to my no-reading, pointless-blinker-using, foul-smelling self
Now, score 0 points for each A, 1 for B, 2 for C, 3 for D, 5 for E. If your score is between 0 and 3, you are not bad at life, 4-7 Need work, 8-12 kinda suck at life, but have hope, 12 or more, you SUCK at life, please please please don't reproduce.
Now that that's over, the fun stuff.... :) So this might make you think I'm a horrible human being but I did see the funniest title to a book ever, and the second funniest. The no. 2 (that would mean the shit) and the second funniest was called "Knocked out by my Nugga Nuggas." And yes, the main character was talking about her funbags. I mean, thinking about all the fun names for them, and I've never in my life thought up nugga nuggas, and there it was on the cover of a book. Next thing I know, I'll be talking to someone going "so these nugga nuggas, you shoulda seen them." and they'll look at me like there's something wrong with me and then I'll know that they scored five points on question 1. But it really is a fun word, you'll see me throw it in on nugga nugga occasion rather pointlessly. If I ever decide to have a nugga nugga serious post (HA!) it'll probably be in there to lighten the mood.
The funniest book though (and this is what might make people think I'm horrible) was Christopher Reeve's book called "Nothing is Impossible." This, coming from a man who can't nugga nugga walk. I mean, I know he's trying to be inspirational and all, but if i was him and writing an inspirational book, I'd have a different title. Maybe he could use one similar to Lance Armstrong's Autobiography "It's not about the bike" and call it "it's not about the neck/chair/suck 'n' blow". Speaking of LA, he's back in yellow!! and that's awesome. Sorry, had to interject a little bit of nugga nugga cycling for my boy there. But other names could have been "It's not so bad", "At least I can still write this book", "From superman to guy who gives inspirational speeches, and really, what's the difference between the two", or something like that. I think the best two names he could have given it though are "Catcher in the Rye" and "Knocked out by my nugga nuggas" but sadly, both of those are already taken.
So what else is on my mind....let's see....I'm looking around, and i've already talked about bobbleheads (you know you love that post) and well, now it's time to talk about the funny event from last night. I got accused of being homophobic!!!!! Now that's some funny shit, cause for those of you that know me, I'm one of the least homophobic straight men I know, I would say I'm homophillic, but that kinda sounds like I'm gay myself, which mind you isn't the case (I love the ladies, and the ladies kinda tolerate me). I think I might use the term Homogenous for people like me. Why? cause first it's a chemistry term, and I love me some chem. Second, things that are homogenous mix well, and I mix well with the gay folk. And that makes me realize, you ever notice that since about '90 folk music has taken a profoundly lesbian turn. Which there's nothing wrong with it (it's kinda hot), but I liked the music from back in the day when the folk artists weren't about that but about sticking it to the man (and not like that, get your nugga nugga mind out of the gutter). I'm talking Joplin, Dylan, that kinda thing.
Last not before I stop this ranting and raving long as post of today, I love food. I mean, food is the bestestestestestest stuff ever. Cause myself and one mr. perner realized the other day as i was eating bbq sauce that if i ever lost my sense of taste, i might just kill myself. I mean, really, what's the point to life if i can't enjoy a big mac, or oj (not the wife-murdering one, but i'm sure he tastes delightful), or garlic, yummy. I mean, really, taste is by far the best sense, cause it rocks my face off. I mean, take away sight, I can't cook (be a little dangerous with the knife), but someone can still cook for me. Actually, can't cook that well without hearing either (timers go off), and touch, well, i'd probably burn the hell out of myself. But taste, your entire life would be normal, but not even 1% as fun, cause food is the nugga nugga shit.
1. I have read the blog...
A. Every time there's a new comment
B. Every time there's a new post
C. A few times
D. My first time
E. Never, someone is taking this quiz for me
2. When driving I use my blinkers when...
A. Changing Lanes and Turning
B. Changing Lanes or Turning, but not the other
C. When I feel like letting people know I'm moving left or right
D. Never
E. When going straight
3. I shower...
A. Daily or close enough
B. More than once a day
C. Miss a day here and there (more than 5%)
D. Only after sweating super-large amounts
E. Between once a week and Never
4. I find this quiz...
A. Funny
B. Stupid
C. Silly
D. Pointless
E. Annoying cause I know it pertains to my no-reading, pointless-blinker-using, foul-smelling self
Now, score 0 points for each A, 1 for B, 2 for C, 3 for D, 5 for E. If your score is between 0 and 3, you are not bad at life, 4-7 Need work, 8-12 kinda suck at life, but have hope, 12 or more, you SUCK at life, please please please don't reproduce.
Now that that's over, the fun stuff.... :) So this might make you think I'm a horrible human being but I did see the funniest title to a book ever, and the second funniest. The no. 2 (that would mean the shit) and the second funniest was called "Knocked out by my Nugga Nuggas." And yes, the main character was talking about her funbags. I mean, thinking about all the fun names for them, and I've never in my life thought up nugga nuggas, and there it was on the cover of a book. Next thing I know, I'll be talking to someone going "so these nugga nuggas, you shoulda seen them." and they'll look at me like there's something wrong with me and then I'll know that they scored five points on question 1. But it really is a fun word, you'll see me throw it in on nugga nugga occasion rather pointlessly. If I ever decide to have a nugga nugga serious post (HA!) it'll probably be in there to lighten the mood.
The funniest book though (and this is what might make people think I'm horrible) was Christopher Reeve's book called "Nothing is Impossible." This, coming from a man who can't nugga nugga walk. I mean, I know he's trying to be inspirational and all, but if i was him and writing an inspirational book, I'd have a different title. Maybe he could use one similar to Lance Armstrong's Autobiography "It's not about the bike" and call it "it's not about the neck/chair/suck 'n' blow". Speaking of LA, he's back in yellow!! and that's awesome. Sorry, had to interject a little bit of nugga nugga cycling for my boy there. But other names could have been "It's not so bad", "At least I can still write this book", "From superman to guy who gives inspirational speeches, and really, what's the difference between the two", or something like that. I think the best two names he could have given it though are "Catcher in the Rye" and "Knocked out by my nugga nuggas" but sadly, both of those are already taken.
So what else is on my mind....let's see....I'm looking around, and i've already talked about bobbleheads (you know you love that post) and well, now it's time to talk about the funny event from last night. I got accused of being homophobic!!!!! Now that's some funny shit, cause for those of you that know me, I'm one of the least homophobic straight men I know, I would say I'm homophillic, but that kinda sounds like I'm gay myself, which mind you isn't the case (I love the ladies, and the ladies kinda tolerate me). I think I might use the term Homogenous for people like me. Why? cause first it's a chemistry term, and I love me some chem. Second, things that are homogenous mix well, and I mix well with the gay folk. And that makes me realize, you ever notice that since about '90 folk music has taken a profoundly lesbian turn. Which there's nothing wrong with it (it's kinda hot), but I liked the music from back in the day when the folk artists weren't about that but about sticking it to the man (and not like that, get your nugga nugga mind out of the gutter). I'm talking Joplin, Dylan, that kinda thing.
Last not before I stop this ranting and raving long as post of today, I love food. I mean, food is the bestestestestestest stuff ever. Cause myself and one mr. perner realized the other day as i was eating bbq sauce that if i ever lost my sense of taste, i might just kill myself. I mean, really, what's the point to life if i can't enjoy a big mac, or oj (not the wife-murdering one, but i'm sure he tastes delightful), or garlic, yummy. I mean, really, taste is by far the best sense, cause it rocks my face off. I mean, take away sight, I can't cook (be a little dangerous with the knife), but someone can still cook for me. Actually, can't cook that well without hearing either (timers go off), and touch, well, i'd probably burn the hell out of myself. But taste, your entire life would be normal, but not even 1% as fun, cause food is the nugga nugga shit.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
So I've neglected you...
Sorry, but I was at home and busy and stuff. So, subjects for today, Superhero Politics and Squishy shoes, plus whatever comes to mind.
Before I get started, let me say this... NEVER TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. Yes, (going back to last post) I think 'pubs are dumb, but my reasoning was solely for entertainment purposes, as this whole page is. Nothing here is meant to offend, more meant to bring a laugh, and if i'm not good enough for that, then at least a chuckle.
So, on to the superheros. Starting with Punisher. He's not just a member but the leader of the US Pacifist Party. Why the pacifists? Cause if they get their way, he's the only one left with a gun, and guess what that means, the killing gets really easy. Then on to Wonder Woman. She's obviously a member of the "Radical Women" or as I call them, Militant Lesbians. Why? Cause she beats up people and lived happily without any men for the vast majority of her life, also, you ever see her do anything with a guy more than punch him? Then the Green Lantern...and I know what you're going to say, Green Party, well, you're almost there. He's a member of Libertarian National Socialist Green Party. Yes, Lib. Nazi Green, it's the ultimate in oxymorons. But they're Nazi good guys. They're pro-good people stuff (like choice, gay and drug) and at the same time they have that nazi mentality of "we're right, you're not, we win." Very Green Lantern. I think I'll do one more, and it's one of my faves, Captain America. He's (obviously) a member of the American Patriot Party. I mean, just the name says it. Granted, absolutely none of their policies align with his views in the comic, but still, the name, damn you, the name!
Second, I want to talk about my favorite phenomenon...Squishy Shoes. For those of you that don't know, that's when you're wearing sneakers and socks and your shoes get water-logged, and they make that "foot fart" sound everytime you step. I call them squishy shoes cause that's how they feel. Well, I love em, they have a great feel to them i say. And you can't beat the fact that when you get squishy shoes you don't get sweaty feet, cause those really suck. Sweaty feet is probably my least favorite feeling, cause they start to stick to the socks and you just know that when you take the shoes and socks off, it won't be fun. I think (other than squishy shoes) a really good way to prevent sweaty feet (and other than sandals too) is to not have feet. I mean, it's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make, but it would prevent it, now wouldn't it? I'm thinking that walking around with no feet would have its perks too. And, not walking, cause well, you need feet for that, but you know what i mean. Anyway, advantages...you'd never get itchy feet, no need for socks or shoes (so you save money) and last, certainly not least, there's no more of that "well you know how they say the size of a man's feet relate to the size of his penis" crap. Cause for those ladies that don't know, there is no correlation. On the other hand, there is a definite correlation between shoe size and sock size (old joke) and between penis size and similarity to the name Ben Nathan. See, the more letters you have in common minus the superflous letter, well, that's your correlation.
But enough about me, on to the show...
Before I get started, let me say this... NEVER TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. Yes, (going back to last post) I think 'pubs are dumb, but my reasoning was solely for entertainment purposes, as this whole page is. Nothing here is meant to offend, more meant to bring a laugh, and if i'm not good enough for that, then at least a chuckle.
So, on to the superheros. Starting with Punisher. He's not just a member but the leader of the US Pacifist Party. Why the pacifists? Cause if they get their way, he's the only one left with a gun, and guess what that means, the killing gets really easy. Then on to Wonder Woman. She's obviously a member of the "Radical Women" or as I call them, Militant Lesbians. Why? Cause she beats up people and lived happily without any men for the vast majority of her life, also, you ever see her do anything with a guy more than punch him? Then the Green Lantern...and I know what you're going to say, Green Party, well, you're almost there. He's a member of Libertarian National Socialist Green Party. Yes, Lib. Nazi Green, it's the ultimate in oxymorons. But they're Nazi good guys. They're pro-good people stuff (like choice, gay and drug) and at the same time they have that nazi mentality of "we're right, you're not, we win." Very Green Lantern. I think I'll do one more, and it's one of my faves, Captain America. He's (obviously) a member of the American Patriot Party. I mean, just the name says it. Granted, absolutely none of their policies align with his views in the comic, but still, the name, damn you, the name!
Second, I want to talk about my favorite phenomenon...Squishy Shoes. For those of you that don't know, that's when you're wearing sneakers and socks and your shoes get water-logged, and they make that "foot fart" sound everytime you step. I call them squishy shoes cause that's how they feel. Well, I love em, they have a great feel to them i say. And you can't beat the fact that when you get squishy shoes you don't get sweaty feet, cause those really suck. Sweaty feet is probably my least favorite feeling, cause they start to stick to the socks and you just know that when you take the shoes and socks off, it won't be fun. I think (other than squishy shoes) a really good way to prevent sweaty feet (and other than sandals too) is to not have feet. I mean, it's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make, but it would prevent it, now wouldn't it? I'm thinking that walking around with no feet would have its perks too. And, not walking, cause well, you need feet for that, but you know what i mean. Anyway, advantages...you'd never get itchy feet, no need for socks or shoes (so you save money) and last, certainly not least, there's no more of that "well you know how they say the size of a man's feet relate to the size of his penis" crap. Cause for those ladies that don't know, there is no correlation. On the other hand, there is a definite correlation between shoe size and sock size (old joke) and between penis size and similarity to the name Ben Nathan. See, the more letters you have in common minus the superflous letter, well, that's your correlation.
But enough about me, on to the show...
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