really....who the fuck picks these? I'm looking and all i see everywhere is brow, yellow, red, orange. Apparently these are thanksgiving colors, who knew? So when did they decide there were colors of thanks. Is blue not a thankful color? Is brown really? We know green's not thankful, cause it's envy. And red? That's lust. So i think i've settled that they definitely keep picking the wrong colors for this stuff. And Easter, I mean, really, Pastels?!?!?!?!? They definitely had to be on crack for that one. Granted, they're probably the same people that pick the mascots. I understand turkey with thanksgiving and the use of baby jesus for christmas. But a fucking rabbit for a holiday that's meant to be one of the holiest on the christian calendar. How out of all the animals in the world did they pick a bunny rabbit? When i think rabbits, i think Bugs or the one in Alice in Wonderland. Last thing I think is regal, son of god, resurrection, last supper, etc. I think goofy, silly, hopping around little bastard that I used to shoot in Oregon Trail for 3 pounds of meat. The real problem with them in that game was that they were not only the hardest of the animals to shoot, they gave the smallest amount of meat. Now where does that logic come in? Shouldn't the ahrder to shoot equal more meat? I remember buffalo being soooooo easy and like 300 pounds, it was great. The only thing with that game, I could never get to Oregon with a full family intact. Every time, I would either lose someone fording a river or cholera would set in or something like that. I think the game was out for me. Video games, they're quite evil i think. They're out to get me. Really. They're plotting to take over the world. Well, ok, maybe not, but they like making me frustrated, i know that for sure, cause they do way too good a job of it.
So on to the random thought of the day, if that wasn't a good enough one for you before. Ice cream shops. I think the ice cream (even if it's teh same stuff) is just plain better in the store. And i've figured out why....the TINY SPOONS!!!! I really don't know why, but they make it sooooo much better. I ask for a sample and then i usually eat all of my ice cream with taht sample spoon. I think that might be the future. Cell phones go smaller, so next, utensils. I'm gonna make a whole line of small utensils. Small steak knives, small forks, the whole shebang. It'll be awesome. And then you could eat wendy's and it would taste like Ruth's Chris. mmmmm, steak. Anyway, for my first post in a month, i think i did pretty ok. Let me just say, I enjoyed europe, missed the blog, i really did. tear, forming in my left eye, no, wait, that's just a drop of me not caring, my bad.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Dude, I got this one...
I know it like the back of my hand. How many times have you heard that? 1000, more? Now think about it...do you actually know the back of your hand?? I have no fucking clue what mine is like. How that got started confuses me to no end. I'm thinking there was this really weird philosopher type, and granted all philosophers are weird, but this one was weirder than all the rest. He liked to study his extremities, and not just normal ones like palms or arms/legs as a whole, but specific kinda odd ones. He studied the ball of his foot, the indent of his elbow, the kneecap, and of course, the back of his hand. Then one day a student of his asked "Mr. Weird Philosopher Guy, do you know the meaning of life?" and the philosopher responded "Like the back of my hand." The student took this as him knowing it intimately, easily, and in great detail. In fact, i think he meant it more as "I would only claim to know this cause I'm a weird fucking dude, haven't you picked up already that I study strange body parts on a regular basis? silly fuck-off student."
Anyway, now that I think that whole vein is done with, let us go on to something new. Cool thing happened today, talked to a friend i hadn't talked to in like a year and change. That was quite cool.....I mean, isn't that just the pleasant surprise of the day kind of thing? It's almost like walking along a street and boom, there's a friend in the gutter who you haven't seen for over a year....but in this case, they're just not in teh gutter. You thought i was gonna say find a dollar, didn't ya? well, i almost did, but then realized that a dollar won't talk to you, and only buys like 2 min. of friendship. But a friend, well, they can provide minutes, hours, days, months, or even years of entertainment. And you know me, i'm all about the entertainment. Cause that's why i write this. But some people tell me this is too long every time. Well, FUCK THEM!!! or something like that.
But ok, new topic, no, old topic, or ancient topic. No, new. And i'm thinking, why can'd old conjugate like good. Cause good goes to better which goes to best. I think old should be comparable. Like old, to ooter, to oost. It's got a ring to it. "My dad is old." "Yeah, well my dad is ooter." "Well, my great-grandad is the oost." I like that, now there's an argument. Almost like the triple dog dare kinda thing. You're just waiting for someone to pull the oost card. And that just the oost play in teh book. It's just not even a surprise when someone does it anymore. Used to be, but that was back in teh olden days. And that's a good word, olden, i like it, it's got character.
Well, taht's it for today, a short one, live with it, i am. Quote of the day: "Show them the Qwon.""Don't use that word, that's my word."
Anyway, now that I think that whole vein is done with, let us go on to something new. Cool thing happened today, talked to a friend i hadn't talked to in like a year and change. That was quite cool.....I mean, isn't that just the pleasant surprise of the day kind of thing? It's almost like walking along a street and boom, there's a friend in the gutter who you haven't seen for over a year....but in this case, they're just not in teh gutter. You thought i was gonna say find a dollar, didn't ya? well, i almost did, but then realized that a dollar won't talk to you, and only buys like 2 min. of friendship. But a friend, well, they can provide minutes, hours, days, months, or even years of entertainment. And you know me, i'm all about the entertainment. Cause that's why i write this. But some people tell me this is too long every time. Well, FUCK THEM!!! or something like that.
But ok, new topic, no, old topic, or ancient topic. No, new. And i'm thinking, why can'd old conjugate like good. Cause good goes to better which goes to best. I think old should be comparable. Like old, to ooter, to oost. It's got a ring to it. "My dad is old." "Yeah, well my dad is ooter." "Well, my great-grandad is the oost." I like that, now there's an argument. Almost like the triple dog dare kinda thing. You're just waiting for someone to pull the oost card. And that just the oost play in teh book. It's just not even a surprise when someone does it anymore. Used to be, but that was back in teh olden days. And that's a good word, olden, i like it, it's got character.
Well, taht's it for today, a short one, live with it, i am. Quote of the day: "Show them the Qwon.""Don't use that word, that's my word."
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Inconcievable...
Amigos for Christ has been unseated. Most pointlessly stupid advertisement that highly amuses me EVER award has changed hands. The new winner, Testostapro. It starts like this (and I'm not lying) "Men, do you climax too soon...during sex. Hi, I'm Dr. Richard Cohen, MD, and I'm here to tell you about Testostapro, a natural male supplement designed to help you last longer so both you and your partner can enjoy sex more. She'll thank you." Ok, so basically, I have a ton of problems with this ad. First, it's stupid. Who actually buys this shit? Really, what guy is going to admit he's a minuteman? well, I know if I were (and I'm not) I'd never admit it, even to myself. Then there's teh other half, women. Let me just say that if a woman ever gave me anything that would be use to enhance my sex life, it's over. That's like being the manager of a baseball team, walking up to your best pitcher and saying "So, you suck, really, I can think of about a thousand ways that you could be better. And most of them are stuff any normal pitcher has....now go pitch for the rest of your career for me." It's kinda shitty, girls, don't EVER do that, unless you're trying to break up in the cruelest way possible.
Next problem with it. There's this really long, uncomfortable pause after "too soon". It's almost like they want men listening to hear "Men do you climax too soon?" and then say "No, I last a long time." "During sex?" "Oh, yeah, alone, i'm a marathon man, but add someone else into the mix and boom, over before you can start." And then they'll think how testostapro will be the greatest thing ever. Really, i thought up the best way if you ever feel like time will be a little...short. You think sports, and not just sports, but something that really rubs you the wrong way, like Derek Jeter holding the world series trophy. It's foolproof, really, it is.
Problem no. 3 arises "she'll tahnk you". I mean really, is this saying that only a straight man would have climax problems? Or the gay guy on the recieving end doesn't care how long it lasts? I don't think so!!! I have to say that it's just as likely that a straight or gay guy have those kind of problem and also, a girl and a gay guy both want to enjoy the moment, don't they? Or are we running with republican propaganda here and we're going to believe that they're not real people? or lesser people? Cause we all know they don't like either gays or women, it's a fact.
Ok, so basically, we've settled it, it's a bad ad. Probably the worst part about it is taht he introduces himself. Honestly, if i'm asking for help with those kind of issues, i dont' want to know their name. It would be simple, i'd drop cash, they'd drop pills, no names exchanged, complete anonymity. And then there would be plausible deniability. Cops are like "did you buy these climax pills?" "No sir, they were left here by a stranger in a motorcycle gang. Big guy, beard, lots of tattoos, very scary, apparently can't make the minute mark." "You sure it's not yours?" "No, don't know how it got here, find the guy who makes it." Then they'd be at the door of Dr. Richard Cohen, MD, and be like "who bought these pathetic lover pills from you sir?" "I dunno, never saw him, all i can tell you is he has powerful friends, Ben, George, Alexander, Abe, lots of them." Then they'd never pin it on me, they'd have to assume i don't suck in bed, score one for the good guys!
Last problem, just remembered is "Dr. Richard Cohen, MD." Why do doctors feel the need to burrow into our skulls that they spent 8 years getting a piece of paper we don't have? I think after graduation i'll walk up to people and be like "Chemist Ben Nathan, BS" just so tehy have to know that I have a BS in chem. They'll all think i'm some kind of cook/asshole and then it might just click in their head that i'm doing the same thing that most pompous ass doctors do. FUCKERS!
Ok, so that's another rant from me. Hope you enjoyed. And i realized, nobody is putting their fucking name on comments. How can i ridicule you for silly things if you don't leave your name and an embarassing story at the beep? I think the new key is going to be ridiculing them blindly. Anyway, i'm supposed to end with a quote....so here it is "No quote today, live with it bastards." Person who guesses who said that gets a guest spot in the next post.
Next problem with it. There's this really long, uncomfortable pause after "too soon". It's almost like they want men listening to hear "Men do you climax too soon?" and then say "No, I last a long time." "During sex?" "Oh, yeah, alone, i'm a marathon man, but add someone else into the mix and boom, over before you can start." And then they'll think how testostapro will be the greatest thing ever. Really, i thought up the best way if you ever feel like time will be a little...short. You think sports, and not just sports, but something that really rubs you the wrong way, like Derek Jeter holding the world series trophy. It's foolproof, really, it is.
Problem no. 3 arises "she'll tahnk you". I mean really, is this saying that only a straight man would have climax problems? Or the gay guy on the recieving end doesn't care how long it lasts? I don't think so!!! I have to say that it's just as likely that a straight or gay guy have those kind of problem and also, a girl and a gay guy both want to enjoy the moment, don't they? Or are we running with republican propaganda here and we're going to believe that they're not real people? or lesser people? Cause we all know they don't like either gays or women, it's a fact.
Ok, so basically, we've settled it, it's a bad ad. Probably the worst part about it is taht he introduces himself. Honestly, if i'm asking for help with those kind of issues, i dont' want to know their name. It would be simple, i'd drop cash, they'd drop pills, no names exchanged, complete anonymity. And then there would be plausible deniability. Cops are like "did you buy these climax pills?" "No sir, they were left here by a stranger in a motorcycle gang. Big guy, beard, lots of tattoos, very scary, apparently can't make the minute mark." "You sure it's not yours?" "No, don't know how it got here, find the guy who makes it." Then they'd be at the door of Dr. Richard Cohen, MD, and be like "who bought these pathetic lover pills from you sir?" "I dunno, never saw him, all i can tell you is he has powerful friends, Ben, George, Alexander, Abe, lots of them." Then they'd never pin it on me, they'd have to assume i don't suck in bed, score one for the good guys!
Last problem, just remembered is "Dr. Richard Cohen, MD." Why do doctors feel the need to burrow into our skulls that they spent 8 years getting a piece of paper we don't have? I think after graduation i'll walk up to people and be like "Chemist Ben Nathan, BS" just so tehy have to know that I have a BS in chem. They'll all think i'm some kind of cook/asshole and then it might just click in their head that i'm doing the same thing that most pompous ass doctors do. FUCKERS!
Ok, so that's another rant from me. Hope you enjoyed. And i realized, nobody is putting their fucking name on comments. How can i ridicule you for silly things if you don't leave your name and an embarassing story at the beep? I think the new key is going to be ridiculing them blindly. Anyway, i'm supposed to end with a quote....so here it is "No quote today, live with it bastards." Person who guesses who said that gets a guest spot in the next post.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
When two highly unbalanced people talk
You get something like this...(Oh, and there's still another post after this one, don't miss it :-P)
Verbal3982:if it's about penis size, just let them know, jews are no. 3
meri1317: who's two?
Verbal3982: blacks
meri1317: who's one?
Verbal3982: penguins.....
meri1317: ahh....
meri1317: i knew there was something up with the penguins
Verbal3982: this bit of the convo is sooooo my away message
meri1317: hehe
meri1317: what away message?
Verbal3982: a new one i just saved and will use soon enough
Verbal3982: but my rabbit statement is tonights
meri1317: its a good statement
Verbal3982: i think so
meri1317: why do penguins get to have the largest penises though?
meri1317: that seems hardly fair
meri1317: i mean, they are psychotic
Verbal3982: exactly.....
Verbal3982: or it was random chance that i typed penguins as opposed to nordic slavs
meri1317: they are the reason that i sleep with my dragon. i figure that a dragon could take on the hordes of psychotic penguins that lurk in the shadows
meri1317: they are waiting you know
Verbal3982: i do know.....they've been plotting for years....
meri1317: i think they are the reason that cats do that spaz thing
Verbal3982: no, that's chipmunks....co-conspirators
meri1317: every one always thinks that cats are plotting your demise, but really, they are just strategizing defense plans
Verbal3982: it's chipmunks, penguins, koalas and pandas....each indigeonous to a different continent....ingenious plan i say
meri1317: yes, indeed
meri1317: but what about the squirrels?
meri1317: is that a different plot to take over the world?
Verbal3982: squirrels aren't plotting to take over.....
meri1317: what are they plotting then?
Verbal3982: they just want to kill off white people, the man's been keeping them down too long
meri1317: oh
meri1317: damn squirrels
meri1317: i never did anything to keep them down
meri1317: i think they are cute
Verbal3982: yeah.....but you did.....
meri1317: i did?
meri1317: what did i do?
meri1317: i'll go apologize
Verbal3982: you were born white, and by going to college, you bought into the whole white man ruling the world complex thingy
meri1317: oh
meri1317: ok
meri1317: but i'm a white woman
Verbal3982: still, you can't say "the white person" doesn't have the same effect, have to say "white man" or it doesn't really count
Ok, so that's a conversation I thought all of you should see. Meri and I aren't exactly your two most normal people. Heck, we have conversations that other people would be like "what the hell is wrong with you two?" on a fairly regular basis. I mean, we can basically have any conversation and then act as if it never occured, it's quite impressive actually. Hooray for not normal people like us, we rock!!!!
Verbal3982:if it's about penis size, just let them know, jews are no. 3
meri1317: who's two?
Verbal3982: blacks
meri1317: who's one?
Verbal3982: penguins.....
meri1317: ahh....
meri1317: i knew there was something up with the penguins
Verbal3982: this bit of the convo is sooooo my away message
meri1317: hehe
meri1317: what away message?
Verbal3982: a new one i just saved and will use soon enough
Verbal3982: but my rabbit statement is tonights
meri1317: its a good statement
Verbal3982: i think so
meri1317: why do penguins get to have the largest penises though?
meri1317: that seems hardly fair
meri1317: i mean, they are psychotic
Verbal3982: exactly.....
Verbal3982: or it was random chance that i typed penguins as opposed to nordic slavs
meri1317: they are the reason that i sleep with my dragon. i figure that a dragon could take on the hordes of psychotic penguins that lurk in the shadows
meri1317: they are waiting you know
Verbal3982: i do know.....they've been plotting for years....
meri1317: i think they are the reason that cats do that spaz thing
Verbal3982: no, that's chipmunks....co-conspirators
meri1317: every one always thinks that cats are plotting your demise, but really, they are just strategizing defense plans
Verbal3982: it's chipmunks, penguins, koalas and pandas....each indigeonous to a different continent....ingenious plan i say
meri1317: yes, indeed
meri1317: but what about the squirrels?
meri1317: is that a different plot to take over the world?
Verbal3982: squirrels aren't plotting to take over.....
meri1317: what are they plotting then?
Verbal3982: they just want to kill off white people, the man's been keeping them down too long
meri1317: oh
meri1317: damn squirrels
meri1317: i never did anything to keep them down
meri1317: i think they are cute
Verbal3982: yeah.....but you did.....
meri1317: i did?
meri1317: what did i do?
meri1317: i'll go apologize
Verbal3982: you were born white, and by going to college, you bought into the whole white man ruling the world complex thingy
meri1317: oh
meri1317: ok
meri1317: but i'm a white woman
Verbal3982: still, you can't say "the white person" doesn't have the same effect, have to say "white man" or it doesn't really count
Ok, so that's a conversation I thought all of you should see. Meri and I aren't exactly your two most normal people. Heck, we have conversations that other people would be like "what the hell is wrong with you two?" on a fairly regular basis. I mean, we can basically have any conversation and then act as if it never occured, it's quite impressive actually. Hooray for not normal people like us, we rock!!!!
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Religion...the number one cause of death
especially in prostitutes. Really, they die due to religion, I swear. But no, the real motivation for that is the simple fact taht religion kills. Think how many people die every year due to "Act of God", a fundementalist, or in the worst scenario, getting drunk of sacramental wine and driving off a cliff. After that, there's "it was just his time", "It's planned out for him to go like that", or my personal favorite (in the terms of musicians) "God just needed a (fill in the instrument here)". Ever think he'll just have enough guitarists one day and every great guitarist will live forever because he band has nowhere to go. He's got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaugh, who needs anyone else? I guess they left the band or soemthing. Back to this cause of death thing....Act of God is a term I love. But what is it with that, Act of God, you never hear, "my house has insurance against Act of Nature/Science" no, always god. Really, what's the deal there, how do we know it's God? why can't it just be random chance. Oh well, let's not open that can of worms.
So a phrase that bothers me quite a bit....more xyz than you can shake a stick at. Really, this perplexes me, cause personally, there is no amount of anything that I can't shake a stick at. It's like looking at million cars and i'm off to the side with my little stick, and guess what? I'M SHAKING IT!!!! They can't stop me, i'm just a guy out there crazy enough to shake a stick at them. I think that is my new mission in life, to shake sticks at extraordinarily large numbers of things. I think I'll go stand on my balcony and shake a stick (or some stick like object, not my penis) at the entire city of atlanta. Just did it, further proving my point, you can indeed shake a stick at any number of objects, well, any number less than so many you're not able to pick up a stick to shake since they take up the entire atmosphere of the earth. But that would suck, cause then we would all suffocate and die, and then nobody is shaking a stick at anything. Ok, so I've decided that I will find a personal "shaking stick" and walk around with it. Any time someone says they have more xyz than they can shake a stick at, I shall pull out my stick and make sure it works right. Then I shall proove them wrong and they will stop using the ludicrous statement. Maybe that's teh new trend, shaking sticks, I think i've caught on to something here. So this blog has evolved, no longer does it relate to being funny and pointless, now it exists solely to debunk stuff like that.
Next theory: Sleep is the best thing ever. I disagree, while sleep is a great thing, I think being awake is the best thing ever. (this should be followed by....) Staying awake SUCKS! Yeah, well, you suck!!! So what movie am I parodying there? If you don't know, you should be forced to watch it for hours on end, til you know, uncultured bastards. Anyway, sleep, it's grossly overrated. I think it's quality, but all the good stuff happens while you're awake. Ever hear a guy bragging about that girl he was messing around with in his dreams? no, you hear about the one he got a number from while he was awake. We put far more stress on the awake part of the day cause it actually matters. Sure, you need sleep, but I say find that minimum amount of sleep needed and run with that everyday. Maximize the amount of awake time in the average week, more cool stuff will happen that way. I have my saying....Sleep is for the weak, and the weekend. Really, the more you sleep, the more you suck, that's what I say. We insomniacs, we rock. I know, you think I'm just a poser insomniac, but really, I am what would be diagnosed as one. I am incapable of sleeping before midnight, assuming I slept at least 4 hours the night before. That's what it takes. Freakishly easy.
What was next on the docket? I dunno. Drawing a blank. How about I go back to the beginning? Prostitutes. Noble Profession. And I'm serious when i say that. Really the only reason we think it's a bad thing is due to a false notion about sex being evil. It's not, it rocks. Evil religion....not only does it lead to massive amounts of death, it's quite the joykill too. They've taken the fun out of everything. No Sex, No Drinking Heavily, No this, No that. Well, not all religions. At least judaism has it right where there are holidays specifically designed for getting shitfaced. Purim, the goal is to not be able to tell the difference between teh good guy (mordechai, and old gray haired jew with a beard) and the bad guy (haman, a persian with no beard a triangle hat, dark hair). Then there's Passover, and i know what you're thinking, but wait a second and listen to me here. Sure, it's a celebration of exodus from egypt, but pay closer attention. You are supposed to drink wine 4 times, and not just drink, but chug 4 full glasses. If the glass isn't full, you fill it to teh brim. Also, you drink wine the whole meal. Next clue, you're not supposed to sit upright, you're supposed to lean the whole night. It's an inclusionary technique, make teh drunks feel welcome...."Oh, you can't sit up straight? Well, nobody is sitting up straight, you're like part of the party now!" It's better than the christian version would be "Bad man, you drank to much, say 5 hail marys, confess your sins, lick a bum, smell a dog, do three laps around the church" or at least something like that.....i really have no idea about this stuff....I figured i'll just throw ideas in there and see if any of them make any sense at all. But i really think that retribution for sins should be tougher than it is in the church, the whole say you're sorry and you're forgiven thing is just too easy. I think everyone should have to have far more difficult and interesting tasks. Mistake 1, clean your room. 2, vacuum/sweep/mop. 3, rewax/recarpet. 4, lick a dog. 5, eat a squirrel. 6, fuck a donkey. 7, run a marathon. 8, babysit for the manson family. 9, well, you get the point. Anyway, I ran out of ideas after the 0th one and just ran from teh seat of my pants as per usual.
Ok, so this is where I leave you so I can finish up Da Vinci Code, quite a good book, I recommend it. And I'll leave you with this final kernel of knowledge for the night....Never trust a rabbit on steroids, they're just sizing you up like a piece of meat, and nobody likes that.
So a phrase that bothers me quite a bit....more xyz than you can shake a stick at. Really, this perplexes me, cause personally, there is no amount of anything that I can't shake a stick at. It's like looking at million cars and i'm off to the side with my little stick, and guess what? I'M SHAKING IT!!!! They can't stop me, i'm just a guy out there crazy enough to shake a stick at them. I think that is my new mission in life, to shake sticks at extraordinarily large numbers of things. I think I'll go stand on my balcony and shake a stick (or some stick like object, not my penis) at the entire city of atlanta. Just did it, further proving my point, you can indeed shake a stick at any number of objects, well, any number less than so many you're not able to pick up a stick to shake since they take up the entire atmosphere of the earth. But that would suck, cause then we would all suffocate and die, and then nobody is shaking a stick at anything. Ok, so I've decided that I will find a personal "shaking stick" and walk around with it. Any time someone says they have more xyz than they can shake a stick at, I shall pull out my stick and make sure it works right. Then I shall proove them wrong and they will stop using the ludicrous statement. Maybe that's teh new trend, shaking sticks, I think i've caught on to something here. So this blog has evolved, no longer does it relate to being funny and pointless, now it exists solely to debunk stuff like that.
Next theory: Sleep is the best thing ever. I disagree, while sleep is a great thing, I think being awake is the best thing ever. (this should be followed by....) Staying awake SUCKS! Yeah, well, you suck!!! So what movie am I parodying there? If you don't know, you should be forced to watch it for hours on end, til you know, uncultured bastards. Anyway, sleep, it's grossly overrated. I think it's quality, but all the good stuff happens while you're awake. Ever hear a guy bragging about that girl he was messing around with in his dreams? no, you hear about the one he got a number from while he was awake. We put far more stress on the awake part of the day cause it actually matters. Sure, you need sleep, but I say find that minimum amount of sleep needed and run with that everyday. Maximize the amount of awake time in the average week, more cool stuff will happen that way. I have my saying....Sleep is for the weak, and the weekend. Really, the more you sleep, the more you suck, that's what I say. We insomniacs, we rock. I know, you think I'm just a poser insomniac, but really, I am what would be diagnosed as one. I am incapable of sleeping before midnight, assuming I slept at least 4 hours the night before. That's what it takes. Freakishly easy.
What was next on the docket? I dunno. Drawing a blank. How about I go back to the beginning? Prostitutes. Noble Profession. And I'm serious when i say that. Really the only reason we think it's a bad thing is due to a false notion about sex being evil. It's not, it rocks. Evil religion....not only does it lead to massive amounts of death, it's quite the joykill too. They've taken the fun out of everything. No Sex, No Drinking Heavily, No this, No that. Well, not all religions. At least judaism has it right where there are holidays specifically designed for getting shitfaced. Purim, the goal is to not be able to tell the difference between teh good guy (mordechai, and old gray haired jew with a beard) and the bad guy (haman, a persian with no beard a triangle hat, dark hair). Then there's Passover, and i know what you're thinking, but wait a second and listen to me here. Sure, it's a celebration of exodus from egypt, but pay closer attention. You are supposed to drink wine 4 times, and not just drink, but chug 4 full glasses. If the glass isn't full, you fill it to teh brim. Also, you drink wine the whole meal. Next clue, you're not supposed to sit upright, you're supposed to lean the whole night. It's an inclusionary technique, make teh drunks feel welcome...."Oh, you can't sit up straight? Well, nobody is sitting up straight, you're like part of the party now!" It's better than the christian version would be "Bad man, you drank to much, say 5 hail marys, confess your sins, lick a bum, smell a dog, do three laps around the church" or at least something like that.....i really have no idea about this stuff....I figured i'll just throw ideas in there and see if any of them make any sense at all. But i really think that retribution for sins should be tougher than it is in the church, the whole say you're sorry and you're forgiven thing is just too easy. I think everyone should have to have far more difficult and interesting tasks. Mistake 1, clean your room. 2, vacuum/sweep/mop. 3, rewax/recarpet. 4, lick a dog. 5, eat a squirrel. 6, fuck a donkey. 7, run a marathon. 8, babysit for the manson family. 9, well, you get the point. Anyway, I ran out of ideas after the 0th one and just ran from teh seat of my pants as per usual.
Ok, so this is where I leave you so I can finish up Da Vinci Code, quite a good book, I recommend it. And I'll leave you with this final kernel of knowledge for the night....Never trust a rabbit on steroids, they're just sizing you up like a piece of meat, and nobody likes that.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Just when things are looking up....
They go "hey, that's the fucking ceiling...who'da thunk it?" cause things have eyes too. And on top of that, they make observations....silly things. And what exactly is a thing? i like to think of it as not so much a person or a place, but the other option in 20 questions. Don't you just love that game, 20 questions? I think that's what I will do in this post, ask 20 questions. Really, i will. Do you doubt i'm capable? Well, that was already 3 questions, so FUCK YOU!!!! Haha, you should never bet against me when something frivolous is on the line, like nothing. That's like "you should never go against a sicilian when death is on the line". Know what movie that's from? If not, you should be herded into a small cage and made to watch the greatest movie (Princess Bride) until you have every line memorized. I can see it now, thousands of people, all watching it in a continuous loop. Ahh, so glorious a vision of mine.
Alrighty, so i'm back.....and where was I? Oh yeah, that makes 5. Silly bastards telling me I can't do it. Who do they think they are? Well, i'll tell you who, they're the leaders of the society of the WRONG! I think that should really be a society. That way, everyone who's wrong on a constant basis, like republicans, can all be in this one big group that we can all make fun of. Speaking of that kind of stuff, my brother sent me this map of america that i think is pretty cool and should become true. All the Kerry states join canada and become the United States of Canada, while all the Bush states get called Jesusland. Pretty fair and accurate description. Besides, Jesusland has a ring to it. The name USA, well, everyone knows it. It's so....boring, used, old. I think we need to rename countries every 20 years or so. I think that some good names could come out of that, also ones that wouldn't fit by the end of the 20 years, so that would be kinda funny. A good example, if we named them right now we'd have France become "Bigotted Assholes that Nobody Likes, but they make good wine" and England is "Tony Blair Land", but would have been "Crap Food, Good Beer" before him. Israel, well, in the first 20 years or so, would have just been named "Fucked", but then moved to "We may be small, but we carry a big fucking stick to whoop your arab ass with", and currently it would be "So we want peace, what the fuck is wrong with that? Fucking Arabs". I think my personal favorite progression of any country though, would be Russia. Think about it, they would have been "We Love Lenin" in the 20-40 range, then "Woo Hoo! Go STALIN!!!" for the next 20, followed by "Ok, So stalin was a bastard, but Kruschev is much cooler", then on to "We're communists, and we wanna rule the world, go us" and they would have had that name thru 2000, and that's just funny to me. Currently their name would be "So we fucked up, no longer a superpower, we like McDonald's, wanna buy a nuke?" If we did this with states too, well, that'd be kinda cool. California would have had to repeat their name from the 70s range of "We have an actor playing governor. Oh, we elected him? You're telling me that this wasn't a joke. Holy Crap, I would say that we're idiots, cause well, we have a FUCKING actor as our governor, what were we thinking?" for now, with the Governator. We could also rename Mississippi into "Awful long name for only 4 different letters" or after the vote on gay marraige ban there (and quoting Jon Stewart) "No Looking at Dudes". Really, what is wrong with people, are they that fucking closed-minded? Which leads me to....
Ok, so new idea. I'm going to make my vote count in the state of georgia. Wanna know how? I'm going to pay off homeless people to kill republicans in mass numbers. I figure they'd shank at least 3 or 4 and all i'd have to do is either pay them $50 or buy them some McyD's. mmmm, chicken mcnuggets, time to kill an idiot. Gotta love those homeless people. They'd make the best hitmen ever, nothing tying them down, no consequence if they get caught other than a place to eat, sleep and shower every day for the rest of their life. And if they get away with it, well, they've got $50 or a full stomach. And nothing spells murder quite like some greasy fries. And this is what's coming to mind, you always see the "Will work for food" signs, but what about the "will kill for food" or "Used to be a hitman, now I have no home, help me!!!" or "I'm just out here cause hired killing is no longer the fad, anyone need someone shanked?" signs? (Oh and I made my 10 questions quota...HA!) And the word shanked, that's just cool. Has that edgy prison feel to it. "Wanna shank him?" It just sounds so tough, as opposed to "Should we off him?" which is still kinda tough, but off v. shank, i'll take shank every day of the week.
And speaking of shanks, I love ribs. Cause shank bone, rib bone, know what i'm saying her? Will you let me finish? I said, let me finish. I miss Ross Perot, he was the most amusing politician ever. Him and Clinton, what a pair. You had the guy who loves sex. And the dwarfish guy with HUGE ears! They were the greatest pair ever!!! If only there was requirement that all elections had to have two entertaining people involved in it. Having two boring assholes, well that makes it suck. I guess I'm just hoping that the debates turn into a cage match. That would be sooooo cool. "Sen. Kerry, your stance on abortion?" "Well, I'm gonna take that Pro-lifer's candy ass and put him in a pile driver, followed by an elbow drop from the top buckle. After that, sleeper hold, people's elbow and an atomic wedgie, then when i go in for the pin, Roe v. Wade stands up. Oh yeah (said in a macho man voice)!!" "Pres. Bush, your rebuttal" "It'll be a leg drop, then people's elbow followed by a widowmaker, then i'm gonna take this year chair, bash it over his head. Afterward, a Boston Crab followed up with a tidlywinks and a dutch oven to finish him off. BYE BYE abortion!" "well, there you have it folks, a steel cage match to determine the fate of abortion rights. next up, cheney/powell v. edwards/daschle to decide on gay marraige bans. Following that broadcast, we have the Governator himself, Ah-nold, taking on every other republican governor in america for a 25 on 1 showdown to decide the fate of Stem Cell research. That should be a good one, but I think the proper intro is right here from the Governator himself." "I will teach all dose puny girly governor types dat stem cells iz the vay to goh. I will break dem in twoo and make dem all vish that dier modder hadt nevah given birs to dem. But aftervard my stem cells vill stave dier puny liddle lives." "there you have it folks a complete preview, if you understood a word that he said. We'll be right back after this break."
That would be soo entertaining. I think that most political stuff is meant to be entertainment. Like fox "news", it's not news, it's entertainment. They're pure propaganda, it's kinda amusing, but they suck. I think instead of FNN they should be FQUNN for Fox Quote-Unquote News Network. Or maybe even FENRNN for Fox Entertainment, Not Really News, Network. They have as much factual base as well, a novelist...and a bad one at that. Oh well, I guess I'll stop talking now. Enjoy my thoughts, they're mine, you can't have them.
Alrighty, so i'm back.....and where was I? Oh yeah, that makes 5. Silly bastards telling me I can't do it. Who do they think they are? Well, i'll tell you who, they're the leaders of the society of the WRONG! I think that should really be a society. That way, everyone who's wrong on a constant basis, like republicans, can all be in this one big group that we can all make fun of. Speaking of that kind of stuff, my brother sent me this map of america that i think is pretty cool and should become true. All the Kerry states join canada and become the United States of Canada, while all the Bush states get called Jesusland. Pretty fair and accurate description. Besides, Jesusland has a ring to it. The name USA, well, everyone knows it. It's so....boring, used, old. I think we need to rename countries every 20 years or so. I think that some good names could come out of that, also ones that wouldn't fit by the end of the 20 years, so that would be kinda funny. A good example, if we named them right now we'd have France become "Bigotted Assholes that Nobody Likes, but they make good wine" and England is "Tony Blair Land", but would have been "Crap Food, Good Beer" before him. Israel, well, in the first 20 years or so, would have just been named "Fucked", but then moved to "We may be small, but we carry a big fucking stick to whoop your arab ass with", and currently it would be "So we want peace, what the fuck is wrong with that? Fucking Arabs". I think my personal favorite progression of any country though, would be Russia. Think about it, they would have been "We Love Lenin" in the 20-40 range, then "Woo Hoo! Go STALIN!!!" for the next 20, followed by "Ok, So stalin was a bastard, but Kruschev is much cooler", then on to "We're communists, and we wanna rule the world, go us" and they would have had that name thru 2000, and that's just funny to me. Currently their name would be "So we fucked up, no longer a superpower, we like McDonald's, wanna buy a nuke?" If we did this with states too, well, that'd be kinda cool. California would have had to repeat their name from the 70s range of "We have an actor playing governor. Oh, we elected him? You're telling me that this wasn't a joke. Holy Crap, I would say that we're idiots, cause well, we have a FUCKING actor as our governor, what were we thinking?" for now, with the Governator. We could also rename Mississippi into "Awful long name for only 4 different letters" or after the vote on gay marraige ban there (and quoting Jon Stewart) "No Looking at Dudes". Really, what is wrong with people, are they that fucking closed-minded? Which leads me to....
Ok, so new idea. I'm going to make my vote count in the state of georgia. Wanna know how? I'm going to pay off homeless people to kill republicans in mass numbers. I figure they'd shank at least 3 or 4 and all i'd have to do is either pay them $50 or buy them some McyD's. mmmm, chicken mcnuggets, time to kill an idiot. Gotta love those homeless people. They'd make the best hitmen ever, nothing tying them down, no consequence if they get caught other than a place to eat, sleep and shower every day for the rest of their life. And if they get away with it, well, they've got $50 or a full stomach. And nothing spells murder quite like some greasy fries. And this is what's coming to mind, you always see the "Will work for food" signs, but what about the "will kill for food" or "Used to be a hitman, now I have no home, help me!!!" or "I'm just out here cause hired killing is no longer the fad, anyone need someone shanked?" signs? (Oh and I made my 10 questions quota...HA!) And the word shanked, that's just cool. Has that edgy prison feel to it. "Wanna shank him?" It just sounds so tough, as opposed to "Should we off him?" which is still kinda tough, but off v. shank, i'll take shank every day of the week.
And speaking of shanks, I love ribs. Cause shank bone, rib bone, know what i'm saying her? Will you let me finish? I said, let me finish. I miss Ross Perot, he was the most amusing politician ever. Him and Clinton, what a pair. You had the guy who loves sex. And the dwarfish guy with HUGE ears! They were the greatest pair ever!!! If only there was requirement that all elections had to have two entertaining people involved in it. Having two boring assholes, well that makes it suck. I guess I'm just hoping that the debates turn into a cage match. That would be sooooo cool. "Sen. Kerry, your stance on abortion?" "Well, I'm gonna take that Pro-lifer's candy ass and put him in a pile driver, followed by an elbow drop from the top buckle. After that, sleeper hold, people's elbow and an atomic wedgie, then when i go in for the pin, Roe v. Wade stands up. Oh yeah (said in a macho man voice)!!" "Pres. Bush, your rebuttal" "It'll be a leg drop, then people's elbow followed by a widowmaker, then i'm gonna take this year chair, bash it over his head. Afterward, a Boston Crab followed up with a tidlywinks and a dutch oven to finish him off. BYE BYE abortion!" "well, there you have it folks, a steel cage match to determine the fate of abortion rights. next up, cheney/powell v. edwards/daschle to decide on gay marraige bans. Following that broadcast, we have the Governator himself, Ah-nold, taking on every other republican governor in america for a 25 on 1 showdown to decide the fate of Stem Cell research. That should be a good one, but I think the proper intro is right here from the Governator himself." "I will teach all dose puny girly governor types dat stem cells iz the vay to goh. I will break dem in twoo and make dem all vish that dier modder hadt nevah given birs to dem. But aftervard my stem cells vill stave dier puny liddle lives." "there you have it folks a complete preview, if you understood a word that he said. We'll be right back after this break."
That would be soo entertaining. I think that most political stuff is meant to be entertainment. Like fox "news", it's not news, it's entertainment. They're pure propaganda, it's kinda amusing, but they suck. I think instead of FNN they should be FQUNN for Fox Quote-Unquote News Network. Or maybe even FENRNN for Fox Entertainment, Not Really News, Network. They have as much factual base as well, a novelist...and a bad one at that. Oh well, I guess I'll stop talking now. Enjoy my thoughts, they're mine, you can't have them.
Monday, November 01, 2004
New Pet Peeve
Just figured out something that i HATE!!!! When people post a comment and don't put their name. What are you afraid of? Think i'm gonna be like..."they had a negative comment about my blog, oh no, my life is shattered." If you haven't realized this by now, i don't give a shit. Unless you're one of a very small handful of people, you're opinion of me matters about as much as the feelings of a minnow to a larger predatory fish. Basically, they're a moot point. That's all, I don't care.
And yes, this is the second post in less than 5 hours. New record for me. But sometimes things just grab you and you feel the need to write them down. Hopefully this will make a few more people happy cause i'm writing more often again. However, it feels like i've lost my touch. I'm not rambling with the same enthusiasm and disgust at the same time that i used to. Really, that was the secret, i just type about how much i hate a whole lot of things and ramble about it. It's the enthusiastic bitching that makes this amusing, not anything else really. And to the person taht thought the last post was more amusing than the one before it, what were you smoking? This last one was kinda wussy, but the one before it, well that had charecter. I talked about parrots and tootsie-pops, those are quality subjects. I think the key to a quality subject is to find something 100% useless and just talk and talk about it.
For example, those chinese iron musical stress ball thingees. If you don't know what they are, well, that name for them was basically their description. Anyway, i think they're super fascinating. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out the best way to roll my balls in my hand without them touching. That was really really dirty sounding i know, but it was meant to be clean. And the word balls, used to just mean balls, but now it's all about the testicles. I can be like, nice balls. Automatically, they'd think i'm extending congratulations on a marvelous set of man marbles, but in actuality i could be complementing something different like personalized golf balls. That's really one hell of a good name for them. Man Marbles. You wish you thought of that. now i'm going to use it randomly in conversation so everyone i know can look at me like a little crackchild. I can see it now "so this guy had huge man marbles...." "what'd you say?" "Man marbles...you know balls." and then we'd be back at square one, balls being the only viable word for testicles that doesn't sound clinical. I always think there should be fun names and serious names for things. Like penis v. pedro (and yes, he throws a mean changeup :-P) or something like taht. I would think everyone should use pitchers' names to name their penis with. Imagine it, soemthing like "Derek...he's got a hell of a sinker." And then the girl would start to think about what a sinker would entail. If everyone had to name their penis for a major league pitcher, due to a pitch that guy uses. Really, just look out for the guy who names it for Tim Wakefield and his Knuckleball. I guess taht's not as bad as a fastball, curveball or spitter. Just think what those would entail. I guess thoser aren't even the worst though, just imagine a splitter, palmball, or a cutter. Now those sound horribly unpleasant. Good thing i'm on the pitching end.
Now that brings up a good point. Guys always name their penis, but do girls name their vagina? I hear that they name their boobs, but that doesn't really hold that much weight, i mean, boobs don't do much more than sit there and look pretty. Granted, we do love them and are very very happy that they're there, but still, i think something needs to have a function to be names. I guess they could be names for livestock, but that's terribly unsexy. I think the idea is to shoot for sexy and if not that, then funny. Why not have them all have teh vaginas be named for catchers. it's appropriate. Varitek for the all-purpose, stops everything, never fails kind. Pudge (i know that sounds really bad) for teh all around best there is, great in every possible facet with very very little to be desired cause it's so nice. Benito Santiago for the old used beat up one that everyone says they're too good for but secretly would rather have than the fresh inexperienced has no clue what it's doing one. That inexperienced one could be the Joe Mauer. Or you could have teh one that's nothing more than a great place to throw your balls at (no other skills) called teh Mike Matheny. Lastly, there is teh doesn't really get along with the pitchers all that well, but damn can hit that homerun more often than the others, that's your AJ Pierzinski (i spelled that wrong). I think i've got a new system here. Any more suggestions for this list? Any ideas for a better system? I'm open to be persuaded into new thought. I'm easy like that. Nothing difficult about me. I'm quite simple minded. Yay for easy stuff!!!!
Ok, so taht's it, time for sleepy by now. NIGHT!
And yes, this is the second post in less than 5 hours. New record for me. But sometimes things just grab you and you feel the need to write them down. Hopefully this will make a few more people happy cause i'm writing more often again. However, it feels like i've lost my touch. I'm not rambling with the same enthusiasm and disgust at the same time that i used to. Really, that was the secret, i just type about how much i hate a whole lot of things and ramble about it. It's the enthusiastic bitching that makes this amusing, not anything else really. And to the person taht thought the last post was more amusing than the one before it, what were you smoking? This last one was kinda wussy, but the one before it, well that had charecter. I talked about parrots and tootsie-pops, those are quality subjects. I think the key to a quality subject is to find something 100% useless and just talk and talk about it.
For example, those chinese iron musical stress ball thingees. If you don't know what they are, well, that name for them was basically their description. Anyway, i think they're super fascinating. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out the best way to roll my balls in my hand without them touching. That was really really dirty sounding i know, but it was meant to be clean. And the word balls, used to just mean balls, but now it's all about the testicles. I can be like, nice balls. Automatically, they'd think i'm extending congratulations on a marvelous set of man marbles, but in actuality i could be complementing something different like personalized golf balls. That's really one hell of a good name for them. Man Marbles. You wish you thought of that. now i'm going to use it randomly in conversation so everyone i know can look at me like a little crackchild. I can see it now "so this guy had huge man marbles...." "what'd you say?" "Man marbles...you know balls." and then we'd be back at square one, balls being the only viable word for testicles that doesn't sound clinical. I always think there should be fun names and serious names for things. Like penis v. pedro (and yes, he throws a mean changeup :-P) or something like taht. I would think everyone should use pitchers' names to name their penis with. Imagine it, soemthing like "Derek...he's got a hell of a sinker." And then the girl would start to think about what a sinker would entail. If everyone had to name their penis for a major league pitcher, due to a pitch that guy uses. Really, just look out for the guy who names it for Tim Wakefield and his Knuckleball. I guess taht's not as bad as a fastball, curveball or spitter. Just think what those would entail. I guess thoser aren't even the worst though, just imagine a splitter, palmball, or a cutter. Now those sound horribly unpleasant. Good thing i'm on the pitching end.
Now that brings up a good point. Guys always name their penis, but do girls name their vagina? I hear that they name their boobs, but that doesn't really hold that much weight, i mean, boobs don't do much more than sit there and look pretty. Granted, we do love them and are very very happy that they're there, but still, i think something needs to have a function to be names. I guess they could be names for livestock, but that's terribly unsexy. I think the idea is to shoot for sexy and if not that, then funny. Why not have them all have teh vaginas be named for catchers. it's appropriate. Varitek for the all-purpose, stops everything, never fails kind. Pudge (i know that sounds really bad) for teh all around best there is, great in every possible facet with very very little to be desired cause it's so nice. Benito Santiago for the old used beat up one that everyone says they're too good for but secretly would rather have than the fresh inexperienced has no clue what it's doing one. That inexperienced one could be the Joe Mauer. Or you could have teh one that's nothing more than a great place to throw your balls at (no other skills) called teh Mike Matheny. Lastly, there is teh doesn't really get along with the pitchers all that well, but damn can hit that homerun more often than the others, that's your AJ Pierzinski (i spelled that wrong). I think i've got a new system here. Any more suggestions for this list? Any ideas for a better system? I'm open to be persuaded into new thought. I'm easy like that. Nothing difficult about me. I'm quite simple minded. Yay for easy stuff!!!!
Ok, so taht's it, time for sleepy by now. NIGHT!
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