Religion...the number one cause of death

especially in prostitutes. Really, they die due to religion, I swear. But no, the real motivation for that is the simple fact taht religion kills. Think how many people die every year due to "Act of God", a fundementalist, or in the worst scenario, getting drunk of sacramental wine and driving off a cliff. After that, there's "it was just his time", "It's planned out for him to go like that", or my personal favorite (in the terms of musicians) "God just needed a (fill in the instrument here)". Ever think he'll just have enough guitarists one day and every great guitarist will live forever because he band has nowhere to go. He's got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaugh, who needs anyone else? I guess they left the band or soemthing. Back to this cause of death thing....Act of God is a term I love. But what is it with that, Act of God, you never hear, "my house has insurance against Act of Nature/Science" no, always god. Really, what's the deal there, how do we know it's God? why can't it just be random chance. Oh well, let's not open that can of worms.

So a phrase that bothers me quite a bit....more xyz than you can shake a stick at. Really, this perplexes me, cause personally, there is no amount of anything that I can't shake a stick at. It's like looking at million cars and i'm off to the side with my little stick, and guess what? I'M SHAKING IT!!!! They can't stop me, i'm just a guy out there crazy enough to shake a stick at them. I think that is my new mission in life, to shake sticks at extraordinarily large numbers of things. I think I'll go stand on my balcony and shake a stick (or some stick like object, not my penis) at the entire city of atlanta. Just did it, further proving my point, you can indeed shake a stick at any number of objects, well, any number less than so many you're not able to pick up a stick to shake since they take up the entire atmosphere of the earth. But that would suck, cause then we would all suffocate and die, and then nobody is shaking a stick at anything. Ok, so I've decided that I will find a personal "shaking stick" and walk around with it. Any time someone says they have more xyz than they can shake a stick at, I shall pull out my stick and make sure it works right. Then I shall proove them wrong and they will stop using the ludicrous statement. Maybe that's teh new trend, shaking sticks, I think i've caught on to something here. So this blog has evolved, no longer does it relate to being funny and pointless, now it exists solely to debunk stuff like that.

Next theory: Sleep is the best thing ever. I disagree, while sleep is a great thing, I think being awake is the best thing ever. (this should be followed by....) Staying awake SUCKS! Yeah, well, you suck!!! So what movie am I parodying there? If you don't know, you should be forced to watch it for hours on end, til you know, uncultured bastards. Anyway, sleep, it's grossly overrated. I think it's quality, but all the good stuff happens while you're awake. Ever hear a guy bragging about that girl he was messing around with in his dreams? no, you hear about the one he got a number from while he was awake. We put far more stress on the awake part of the day cause it actually matters. Sure, you need sleep, but I say find that minimum amount of sleep needed and run with that everyday. Maximize the amount of awake time in the average week, more cool stuff will happen that way. I have my saying....Sleep is for the weak, and the weekend. Really, the more you sleep, the more you suck, that's what I say. We insomniacs, we rock. I know, you think I'm just a poser insomniac, but really, I am what would be diagnosed as one. I am incapable of sleeping before midnight, assuming I slept at least 4 hours the night before. That's what it takes. Freakishly easy.

What was next on the docket? I dunno. Drawing a blank. How about I go back to the beginning? Prostitutes. Noble Profession. And I'm serious when i say that. Really the only reason we think it's a bad thing is due to a false notion about sex being evil. It's not, it rocks. Evil religion....not only does it lead to massive amounts of death, it's quite the joykill too. They've taken the fun out of everything. No Sex, No Drinking Heavily, No this, No that. Well, not all religions. At least judaism has it right where there are holidays specifically designed for getting shitfaced. Purim, the goal is to not be able to tell the difference between teh good guy (mordechai, and old gray haired jew with a beard) and the bad guy (haman, a persian with no beard a triangle hat, dark hair). Then there's Passover, and i know what you're thinking, but wait a second and listen to me here. Sure, it's a celebration of exodus from egypt, but pay closer attention. You are supposed to drink wine 4 times, and not just drink, but chug 4 full glasses. If the glass isn't full, you fill it to teh brim. Also, you drink wine the whole meal. Next clue, you're not supposed to sit upright, you're supposed to lean the whole night. It's an inclusionary technique, make teh drunks feel welcome...."Oh, you can't sit up straight? Well, nobody is sitting up straight, you're like part of the party now!" It's better than the christian version would be "Bad man, you drank to much, say 5 hail marys, confess your sins, lick a bum, smell a dog, do three laps around the church" or at least something like that.....i really have no idea about this stuff....I figured i'll just throw ideas in there and see if any of them make any sense at all. But i really think that retribution for sins should be tougher than it is in the church, the whole say you're sorry and you're forgiven thing is just too easy. I think everyone should have to have far more difficult and interesting tasks. Mistake 1, clean your room. 2, vacuum/sweep/mop. 3, rewax/recarpet. 4, lick a dog. 5, eat a squirrel. 6, fuck a donkey. 7, run a marathon. 8, babysit for the manson family. 9, well, you get the point. Anyway, I ran out of ideas after the 0th one and just ran from teh seat of my pants as per usual.

Ok, so this is where I leave you so I can finish up Da Vinci Code, quite a good book, I recommend it. And I'll leave you with this final kernel of knowledge for the night....Never trust a rabbit on steroids, they're just sizing you up like a piece of meat, and nobody likes that.