Ok, so I know what you're thinking, "he's finally gone off the deep end." Well, that's where you're wrong, there's no finally to it, i've been off the deep end for a very very very very very long time. Actually, with how long i've been off, chances are i'm about to port in istanbul by now. Ever go there? I have this feeling istanbul is a cool place. First off, it used to be constantinople (i spelled that wrong i think), secondly, They Might Be Giants wrote a song about that little fact. But really, it's the capital of a great food, Turkey. How many other foods have capitals? Ham, nope. Chicken, nope. Matzah, Jerusalem. Frog Legs, Paris. Fish and Chips, London. Ok, so lots of foods have places there from, but not really capitals. You have istanbul, turkey, but have you ever been to Rome, Pop Tart. I think not, and do you know why? Cause it doesn't exist. Then you have to wonder, which came first, the country or the food? I know the food came first, but were we calling it turkey first is what i mean. If the food got named first, did the person who named the country go "This looks like the kind of place that flightless birds of north america would dream of living, it's like their own personal florida. After they retire, boom, this is where they want to be." Or was it the other way around? I can just picture it now...
"Sir, this country, it tastes like....Turkey." "Yes, ensign, and that is what we shall name it, Turkey." "But sir, please explain to me why it tastes this way." "well, son, it's actually quite the interesting story. Many centuries ago, there was a revolt. Thousands of turkeys rebelled here, killing tens of thousands of corn stalks. In the midst of their wild rampage, farmers of this land decided to fight back. And fight back they did, they cut down hundreds of trees and used the stumps as places to behead teh turkeys. All those turkeys died in the bloodiest massacre in turkey memory. However, all of them could not be eaten, many were left to the land. The land has a hearty appetite, so it enveloped those turkeys, and that is why the ground today tastes as it does. Tasty, but really, the best is when you get to those gravy rivers, especially the ones with the mash potato boulders. If only the land would make a good cranberry jam, well, thanksgiving would be a meal of the land, literally." "that's fascinating." "fascinating, yes, true, no. Ensign, I hope this teaches you a valuable lesson." "That i should investigate matters on my own, sir?" "No, That you're a dumbass for believing that cockamamie story."
Oh, where was i? Yeah, that's it, WaHo and Skittles right? Cuase i didn't even start, so how could i have been there. Well, i'm there now, deal with it. Why are they the root of all evil? Well, it's simple really, cuase they are. Ever go to WaHo and go, this is a great place? If you answer yes, please step to the left. (People to the left will shortly be carted off to stand trial with other evil types.) It's simple, you go there, and boom, it wages war on you. The axis of evil is not what we think, it does not include Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan (ever think that Afghanistan might have originally been names Comforteristan or Sheetistan. Afghans are cool and all, but personally, i like fleece blankets) it includes WaHo, Skittles and Traffic Lights. WaHo, well, it goes for the stomach/ass. You finish the meal, and boom, you're feeling sick and next thing you know, 10 hours on the toilet seems like a more pleasant idea than what you're stuck with. I always feel that any meal at WaHo should come with a roll of toilet paper, a good book, and thermos to tide you over for teh next 12 hours or so. Speaking of a good book, ever get so into a book in the bathroom that you read a few chapters, but when you finish, you stand up and get those pins and needles that completely paralyze you for 10-15 minutes? I hate those, but love them at the same time.
After WaHo has killed off everything from your stomach down (legs too as i stated in the reading part), skittles attach your mouth. First they give you that need for more. Next thing you know, you've eaten 12 bags and your teeth are ready to fall out from all the sugar and chewing. I really think that much chewing has a detrimental effect on your life. I've spent hours at a clip chewing gum and i feel fine, but skittles, 5 minutes of chewing and i feel like i need a new jaw. They're so tough on you. It's like boxing heavyweights when you're used to lightweights. Sure, you're doing the same thing, but really, at a whole different level, it's so much harder. I finish a bag and just think, ok, i give up, you win. Maybe that's how you should get enemies to resign in war, throw skittles at them and be like "chew bitches!!!!" they'd give up after a few bags. Only thing i wonder, is that covered in the Geneva Convention?
Lastly, but certainly not least, by any stretch of the imagination, Traffic Lights. Traffic lights are the worst of all of them. They grate on your mind, body and soul. Your mind gets that effect of "oh, they'll be cool and stay green til i get to them, but no, they go yellow, and they taunt you by going yellow for a longer time than usual, then they go red. Even when there's nobody there, you just know that if you go thru, there's gonna be a cop. But besides, they're toying with you. My personal favorite is when you pull up to the light and every combination possible that doesn't allow you to go thru shows up for like 15 min. straight. Oh, that's fun, almost like an enema, but without the fresh and clean feeling. As far as the body effect, i really believe that those red lights lead to irreversible damage to your eyes and sperm count. I think sitting at red lights is the number one cause of infertile blind men. I know i'll be one of them one day due to the damned things. Last and least, your soul. You sacrifice it since you dream about the day you get to kill the traffic light. Oh, you're thinking to yourself "it's an inanimate object" well, that doesn't save it. Didn't prevent the moon from being a jackass, shouldn't prevent the lights from the hit i'm gonna put on them. Silly bastards.
Anyway, time for sleep....quote of the night is "My guy's so cool, when he goes to sleep, sheep count him."
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2 comments:
Does Greece count, or is the fact that the spelling is different and it's not really a food knock it out of the runnings?
And skittles, ha! I eat my way through gobbstoppers, and those things are solid sugar! lightweight indeed......:-P
Anyway, class-age,
Perner
So spare the traffic lights and commit suicide. Your problems will be gone - and so will those of other people who are masochistic enough to read your blog - come to think of it, maybe they're not masochistic, they just need constant reminders of how much better they are than you. PS - those who read your blog think you are worthless and gross b/c you clearly have an anal fixation. Don't think we don't notice how often you mention defecation and medical treatments to aid in said defecation. Go gt yourself a man and shut up about the sweetness - when's the last time you got action anyway?
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