But for those of you that know me well, you know that I am a bit of a comic book nerd. I realized something earlier today. There are NO jewish superheros, or at least I couldn't think of any. Sure, there are a few characters here and there (such as magneto) but no headlining superhero types. This really shocks me cause a good bit of the great superhero writers were/are jewish, such as Stan Lee and Will Eisner. But still not a one. So i've thought up a few ideas for a jewish superhero. Sure, they're stereotypical and you may think me a horrible person for coming up with them, but i think they're funny, ya bastards. Ok, well, maybe not hysterical funny, but good enough to get by, and you're gonna sit there and like it.
The Yid Kid - well, ok, so not a superhero, he's just a sidekick, but the Yid Kid can do some real damage to a bad guy's psyche. Never once throws a punch or a kick (god forbid he might break something, his mom would throw a fit), he simply talks to the bad guy, slowly placing layers and layers of guilt onto him. A bank robbery, no reason to stop it, he'll simply remind him that not only is he setting a bad example for his kids, stealing money from grandmothers and breaking the law, but worst of all, his mother is ashamed. Slowly but surely the bad guy begins to cave in until eventually he surrenders himself in order to "give his mom reason to smile again."
The Yarmulkopper (that's pronounce Yamacopper) - The Yid Kid's counterpart. He was a cop, his family driven into exile and shame when criminals would badmouth his wife's cooking. Taking an oath to rid the world of such vile aspects as people who don't like a good matzah ball, refuse to drink that fourth glass of passover wine, and think challah is just fancy white bread. With his array of fancy gadgets, evil-doers have learned to fear his famed Tallit of Death. Also known for cleaning the streets, cause his mom would be proud.
Professor Banknote - Formerly known as CPAmazing, this 27 year old is constantly nagged by his mom. Yes, he is an accountant, but that's not quite good enough. He has the most dreaded of all jewish diseases....bachelorhood. Having saved the world 15 times (3 financial, 2 from alien attack, 4 from evil villains, 6 times from republicans) his mom still introduces him as "The Single Son." That being said, ladies....there needs to be a Mrs. Banknote, or else he's going to have to go into hiding, and then we're screwed.
Let's not forget the Jewish Supervillain team, the Guilty Party (like that one? i do). Consisting of the Nag, Shuper-Shiksa, and Rabbi Ridicule. This team has a wicked combo, no man can stand up to their evil plans. The Nag constantly asks you for everything that you don't have. Slowly but surely, your guilt immunity (built up from years of your parents asking you to do stuff) breaks down and then you're doing favors for them even though you don't want to. Shuper-Shiksa, no real power there, she just gets your mom really pissed at you. She's shuper-shexy and as you mess around with her, she takes pictures of you her and a giant fuck off cross, then sends tehm to your mom. No need for her to take action, the one that brought you into the world then plans to take you out of it. Last, the leader, Rabbi Ridicule. He reminds you of all the ways you just aren't living up to expectations. Sure, you may be a lawyer or even President of the US, or a Superhero, but that's not good enough. Why couldn't you get into med school, meet a nice jewish girl, settle down, have a couple kids, raise them to be rabbis, bankers and god willing a doctor or two.
Finally, for the 30000th mention in this post, the ultimate Jewish Superhero. Mom! Why do you ask? Cuase if I didn't say that, she'd kill me.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
They've been lying to us!
Every day you hear it, and every time it's a lie. I just can't believe it took me so long to figure it out. I was driving today, stopped at a red light and this lady comes up to me with a bucket. That's when it hit me, they're lying thru their teeth, it's not even an attempt, they lie outright and constantly. What is this lie you ask???
JESUS SAVES!!!!!
He doesn't, not in the slightest. Why am I saying this? Is it because I like to debunk God? NO. Because I'm not a Christian? NO! Perhaps it's simply to piss some people off? not quite. Any guessers? well, you're all wrong.
It's a lie because if he did save, he wouldn't ask for donations so freaking often. I can just see it now. Last supper (right around 35 AD [or CE for us semites]), does he go for the meager meal? No, he goes all out, spends a ton, and with it every penny that he's got/been given. That's where this whole collection plate thing came from. The man couldn't pay for his meal, so what does he do? Passes around his plate to get enough. Lo and Behold, a tradition of spending money and asking for donations begins. So where is this lie, you may be thinking, maybe the church just wants a show of support, but now, that is not the case.
If Jesus saved, he could be living off the interest from all those people before now, but noooooooo, he just spends and spends and spends. Maybe this is where the jewish people are cheap thing came from. When the most famous one of the group is constantly asking for donations everybody else started to think "he's probably got the money, just doesn't want to spend it" while all along, he spends every penny he gets his hand on and just keeps asking for more, silly bastard.
Can't believe it took us soo long to figure it out. I mean, we're talking around 2000 years later, that's a pretty slow uptake by us, isn't it? Really though, I am doubting this saving thing very much so, cause really, if he does, he should have to borrow a ton less. And on top of that, I figure a guy that's been around that long should have a KILLER credit rating. He should take out a loan. Not a loan shark type loan, more bank. And the largest bank in the world is at his disposal....THE VATICAN!!!!
So really, the lesson of the day is never give money to those bucket on teh road people, chances are they just want to use it buy some of the crack rock. Well, ok, not all of them, just the ones in those little beanie caps that ride the tiny cars at parades, waht are they called again? Not clowns, and idiots isn't quite right. I know they're not masons persay, but a branch of the masons....is it the shiners? If so, they can wax my car for a donation :-P Hope that works for ya. So long for the day, and FUCK OFF!
JESUS SAVES!!!!!
He doesn't, not in the slightest. Why am I saying this? Is it because I like to debunk God? NO. Because I'm not a Christian? NO! Perhaps it's simply to piss some people off? not quite. Any guessers? well, you're all wrong.
It's a lie because if he did save, he wouldn't ask for donations so freaking often. I can just see it now. Last supper (right around 35 AD [or CE for us semites]), does he go for the meager meal? No, he goes all out, spends a ton, and with it every penny that he's got/been given. That's where this whole collection plate thing came from. The man couldn't pay for his meal, so what does he do? Passes around his plate to get enough. Lo and Behold, a tradition of spending money and asking for donations begins. So where is this lie, you may be thinking, maybe the church just wants a show of support, but now, that is not the case.
If Jesus saved, he could be living off the interest from all those people before now, but noooooooo, he just spends and spends and spends. Maybe this is where the jewish people are cheap thing came from. When the most famous one of the group is constantly asking for donations everybody else started to think "he's probably got the money, just doesn't want to spend it" while all along, he spends every penny he gets his hand on and just keeps asking for more, silly bastard.
Can't believe it took us soo long to figure it out. I mean, we're talking around 2000 years later, that's a pretty slow uptake by us, isn't it? Really though, I am doubting this saving thing very much so, cause really, if he does, he should have to borrow a ton less. And on top of that, I figure a guy that's been around that long should have a KILLER credit rating. He should take out a loan. Not a loan shark type loan, more bank. And the largest bank in the world is at his disposal....THE VATICAN!!!!
So really, the lesson of the day is never give money to those bucket on teh road people, chances are they just want to use it buy some of the crack rock. Well, ok, not all of them, just the ones in those little beanie caps that ride the tiny cars at parades, waht are they called again? Not clowns, and idiots isn't quite right. I know they're not masons persay, but a branch of the masons....is it the shiners? If so, they can wax my car for a donation :-P Hope that works for ya. So long for the day, and FUCK OFF!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)