Why does it have to work this way?

So every time I've ever met a girl and said to myself "oh my god, she is way too hot to be true" they're always teh dumbest people EVER! It's like on a scale of 1 to 100 for hotness, a girl can be anywhere from 1 to 90 and have any level of intelligence and niceness. On the other hand, once you pass 90 a girl tends to suck in one of those two departments, usually intelligence. I don't know if most people agree with me, but i'd rather have an intelligent 80 than a damned-near retarded 95. I know what you're thinking, a guy thinking with his head....(and the one in the north, not the south) what's going on here? Well, simply put, i think i'd rather have a girl that I want to talk to first rather than one where i think "how can i shut her up and get her in bed, then out without having to hear that inane yabbering she calls a conversation?", cause really, if the conversation is pleasant too, it's all that much better.

****not so funny section for a bit, it's baseball stuff and me stuff*****

Alrighty, other stuff to talk about, elections and baseball....duh! First, let's start with baseball. GO SOX!!!!
Ok, so it's odd. Being a sox fan for 18 years and for the first time when a season ends thinking "hey, this season didn't end shitty." is kinda new for me. So used to heartbreak that it's almost like we're a bit masocistic and kinda like that stinging pain that so many years in a row brought before. Ever go for a run and thought "my legs hurt now"? Then answered yourself with "this is awesome"? Yeah, me neither. What kind of a weirdo would ever think they liked that stuff. Ok, so i admit, i'm lying, i like it, i love it, i want more of it. But yeah, it's the oddest thing ever, after that last out, i just kind of stood there and kept repeating to myself "i'm confused, am i supposed to be happy?" over and over again. Then i went "oh yeah, this is cool."

****Let the funny resume****

So elections....and i think south park put it best "you get to vote for either a giant douche or a turd sandwich". I mean really...have we ever had two worse choices for president? Exactly, we haven't. The closest we've ever been to this shit of a decision before was way too long ago for my ass to remember. But yeah, the thing that really pisses me off with this are the fucking bumper stickers. Really and truly, have you realized how utterly retarded those things are for sooooooo many reasons. First off, they're only good for like 4 months MAX. Really, you put them on and then they just sit there on your car for god knows how long. The other day i saw a Dole-Kemp 96 sticker on some guys car. Does that make me think "wow, that guy voted for dole in 96."? NO! it makes me think "this guy is a dumb shit" not because they voted republican (which as i've mentioned before is pretty retarded) but because he's got a fucking sticker that's been outdated for 2 elections on his car. How lazy can you be? I mean really, it only takes like 2 seconds to get the thing off, but no, 8 years later and there it is "I supported a candidate with no chance of winning" in big bold letters on his car.

Then on to the effectiveness of these things. Never will anyone ever go "oh, you support Kerry. I can talk to you now." Or "that makes you a good driver". More likely when someone sees a bumper sticker they're thinking to themselves "that moron's voting for him?" or "this guy SUCKS at driving (and in turn life) and oh, look at that, he's dumb enough to vote the wrong way too." Really, has anyone in history gone "that guy in the explorer is voting republican, i should too" ? I think it's more likely that a swing voter says to himself "That was teh worst fucking driver ever, oh, and now i'm voting opposite of that fuckface." Cause who notices good driving? Nobody, that's right, nobody at all. I think i'm gonna start a new trend. I'm gonna put the bumper sticker of teh guy i don't like on my car and cut off as many people as possible, then flick them off. I think that would have a better effect for the guy i support, just fucking everyone on teh roads over under the guise of a support of the other stupid prick.

And all politicians are just that, stupid pricks. Has there ever been a successful one that didn't totally suck? Well, yes, but sooooo very few. There was Clinton. Granted, I know a whole lot of people that didn't like him for his policies. Whatever, that's not what i'm talking about. He's the kind of guy you could imagine having a bbq with, sitting back drinking a beer, shooting the shit. Basically, he did what any guy would do with that much power....8 years of blowjobs. I know that I would have done the exact same thing minus one little change. I would have found an attractive girl. Really, I know he's a busy guy, but really, she's on ugly bitch. Couldn't he have had the token hot chick for a slutty intern? Is that too much to ask out of the most powerful man in the world? Is that what we have to look forward to when we're president? I think if that's the case, i might just have to stick to being me. I may never get the hot chick, but at least I'm not stuck with teh decision between the not attractive wife and the fat intern. It's kinda like the tagline from Alien v. Predator....Whoever wins, we lose. And by we, i mean men. Our penises have to suffer for power. So, you have to ask yourself, do you feel lucky....punk? well, do ya? Cause if you don't, president isn't for you. If you do, may many hot interns await. And a hot wife, followed by a hot wife-intern threesome. That would soo rock my face off. mmmm, president sandwich. I'm just gonna think about that now and leave teh rest of you to your on devices. So that shall end the post, almost.

Quote of teh day "I'm in murders and executions" "I have a friend in mergers and acquistions..." and all of you can say this wasn't the funniest post ever, but deal with it, at least i wrote something.

Drunk Post

So i'm posting drunk, which moichght be a really bad aieada. This ouc mekeke the lest sensen ever but i9 thinkit's funny that' i'm typeing when thisn drunka d youl're treadoing tit cause youthink tht atoi'm furnnyl. Thea't sryeoadnldytlly cool adn sruff tyeah, go me. i,m rock. yeah mean. i mean me. caus ei' rock
sllepy typme.m i'll finisht htis tomorrow

So did you find your secret decoder ring in the bottom of the bottle? So, now that i'm sober and awake, i realize that this is extremely silly. I don't even know what i said for sure, but it's amusing, you must say.

And another week goes by. So, I guess the idea is that I finish this before 2005. I guess i just lack inspiration, so i'll continue when i'm somewhere that inspires me :-P

Ok, so I know what you're thinking, this is going to be the greatest post ever cause it took me multiple weeks to write, right? well, face facts, you're wrong, that's all there is to it, you're just plain wrong. This post is going to suck. You know why? cause I want it to. But I was thinking about some fun stuff, really, i swear.

I think I have a new favorite pasttime, pushing the snooze button. Everyone loves it, I know I do. And just imagine watching it on TV, it'd be the international snooze button pushing competition. I can see it now, you're given points based on tolerance to the beeping of the alarm (more annoying the alarm, more points for tolerance in relation to time), distance travelled to the snooze button, style with which the button is pushed, style of getting back into bed (big points for sky high belly flops), and points for time to sleep again. I think I could win the olympic gold for that. I mean, really, I let that alarm go for at least thirty seconds every time, then i walk to the alarm, usually pull the "i'm gonna slap you so you shut up, bitch" slap for the button, then jump and land face first asleep in bed. I would say it's quite a sight, but since I never open my eyes (and maybe that should be worth bonus points too) I dunno what the hell it looks like. And even without it being a pasttime for others, I still love it. I think the whole thing is just that I really dislike the idea of waking up at any point in time that is not of my choosing, damned school, making me move my ass anywhere but where I want it. Sad times.

Another realization this week, I have a far more loyal following for this sucker than I ever expected. I really thought that when I started writing maybe one or two people would read it, but it is many many more than that, like 5-10 range at least. WOO HOO! Speaking of "woo hoo" have you seen this video that they put out of these people in Oakland that get these whistler things on their tailpipes. It's one of the funniest damned things ever, cause there is the black guy and his girl both going "it's not that loud, it's like just a little 'woo woo'." I guess you have to see it, but it's soooooooo funny.

Also, what is the deal with Kroger late at night? I thought I was the only sucker that ever went there after midnight, and wow, was i wrong. Went there this week and while there saw at least 5 people I know there. Highly amusing that enough people get the idea to go there that late at night that I will know at least a few of them. I think late night grocery shopping is fun, but a really bad idea. It's like shopping when you're hungry, which we all know leads to superfluous purchases (such as two types of the same chip, a second thing of mayo [different flavor, but still mayo], multiple things of green apple flavor, etc.) and just some things that seem like a good idea at the time, but when you actually think about it are really really stupid. I dunno, i think hunger than insomnia have the same kind of effect on your grocery purchasing abilities. I go from an award-winning (and yes, award-winning, you heard it right) grocery shopper, to the guy that buys cheap meats. Honestly, i don't know if there's anything in the world i love more than a good sandwich, so what the hell am i doing buying cheap meats, really? Oh well, I guess we'll never know, kinda like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. And what was teh deal with that stupid fucking owl...? It was always like "one, two-hooooooo, thu-ree.....crunch!!! Three." Was he that fucking impatient? I thought owls were supposed to be wise, but no, the owl just says, I'm going to be an impatient fuck and make it so this little kid will never know how many licks it takes to get to the fuck-off center of the damned things. I think that has just become a life's mission, to find the exact number of licks it takes to get to the center. I'm going to put down a guess of 278 give or take 17. If i'm right, damn, i'm good cause that was just a random number i put down. If i'm wrong, well, at least I'll know the answer, better than that fucking owl. And when did we decided owls were so wise? they only ask one question over and over again. Wouldn't the parrot be smarter? it can at least say more than one fucking word. I think I want a parrot and I'll teach it to respond to "Polly want a cracker" with "Fuck off you represive prick, parrots have feelings too!!!!" I can just imagine the shock on someones face, they'd be like "what the hell was that? it's like the women's lib movement, only i have less objection." Which i'm kidding, women's lib was teh best thing ever, cause it opened the door for a woman to support me. And i'm taking applications. If you want to be that woman, i'll worship you (most likely) for teh rest of my life, all you have to do is be my sugar momma.

Ok, so that's it for today, i'm done, i'm out. This post was started on Oct. 9th and finished on Oct. 27th, now that's a long time to work on a post.

WaHo and Skittles....The Root of All Evil?

Ok, so I know what you're thinking, "he's finally gone off the deep end." Well, that's where you're wrong, there's no finally to it, i've been off the deep end for a very very very very very long time. Actually, with how long i've been off, chances are i'm about to port in istanbul by now. Ever go there? I have this feeling istanbul is a cool place. First off, it used to be constantinople (i spelled that wrong i think), secondly, They Might Be Giants wrote a song about that little fact. But really, it's the capital of a great food, Turkey. How many other foods have capitals? Ham, nope. Chicken, nope. Matzah, Jerusalem. Frog Legs, Paris. Fish and Chips, London. Ok, so lots of foods have places there from, but not really capitals. You have istanbul, turkey, but have you ever been to Rome, Pop Tart. I think not, and do you know why? Cause it doesn't exist. Then you have to wonder, which came first, the country or the food? I know the food came first, but were we calling it turkey first is what i mean. If the food got named first, did the person who named the country go "This looks like the kind of place that flightless birds of north america would dream of living, it's like their own personal florida. After they retire, boom, this is where they want to be." Or was it the other way around? I can just picture it now...

"Sir, this country, it tastes like....Turkey." "Yes, ensign, and that is what we shall name it, Turkey." "But sir, please explain to me why it tastes this way." "well, son, it's actually quite the interesting story. Many centuries ago, there was a revolt. Thousands of turkeys rebelled here, killing tens of thousands of corn stalks. In the midst of their wild rampage, farmers of this land decided to fight back. And fight back they did, they cut down hundreds of trees and used the stumps as places to behead teh turkeys. All those turkeys died in the bloodiest massacre in turkey memory. However, all of them could not be eaten, many were left to the land. The land has a hearty appetite, so it enveloped those turkeys, and that is why the ground today tastes as it does. Tasty, but really, the best is when you get to those gravy rivers, especially the ones with the mash potato boulders. If only the land would make a good cranberry jam, well, thanksgiving would be a meal of the land, literally." "that's fascinating." "fascinating, yes, true, no. Ensign, I hope this teaches you a valuable lesson." "That i should investigate matters on my own, sir?" "No, That you're a dumbass for believing that cockamamie story."

Oh, where was i? Yeah, that's it, WaHo and Skittles right? Cuase i didn't even start, so how could i have been there. Well, i'm there now, deal with it. Why are they the root of all evil? Well, it's simple really, cuase they are. Ever go to WaHo and go, this is a great place? If you answer yes, please step to the left. (People to the left will shortly be carted off to stand trial with other evil types.) It's simple, you go there, and boom, it wages war on you. The axis of evil is not what we think, it does not include Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan (ever think that Afghanistan might have originally been names Comforteristan or Sheetistan. Afghans are cool and all, but personally, i like fleece blankets) it includes WaHo, Skittles and Traffic Lights. WaHo, well, it goes for the stomach/ass. You finish the meal, and boom, you're feeling sick and next thing you know, 10 hours on the toilet seems like a more pleasant idea than what you're stuck with. I always feel that any meal at WaHo should come with a roll of toilet paper, a good book, and thermos to tide you over for teh next 12 hours or so. Speaking of a good book, ever get so into a book in the bathroom that you read a few chapters, but when you finish, you stand up and get those pins and needles that completely paralyze you for 10-15 minutes? I hate those, but love them at the same time.

After WaHo has killed off everything from your stomach down (legs too as i stated in the reading part), skittles attach your mouth. First they give you that need for more. Next thing you know, you've eaten 12 bags and your teeth are ready to fall out from all the sugar and chewing. I really think that much chewing has a detrimental effect on your life. I've spent hours at a clip chewing gum and i feel fine, but skittles, 5 minutes of chewing and i feel like i need a new jaw. They're so tough on you. It's like boxing heavyweights when you're used to lightweights. Sure, you're doing the same thing, but really, at a whole different level, it's so much harder. I finish a bag and just think, ok, i give up, you win. Maybe that's how you should get enemies to resign in war, throw skittles at them and be like "chew bitches!!!!" they'd give up after a few bags. Only thing i wonder, is that covered in the Geneva Convention?

Lastly, but certainly not least, by any stretch of the imagination, Traffic Lights. Traffic lights are the worst of all of them. They grate on your mind, body and soul. Your mind gets that effect of "oh, they'll be cool and stay green til i get to them, but no, they go yellow, and they taunt you by going yellow for a longer time than usual, then they go red. Even when there's nobody there, you just know that if you go thru, there's gonna be a cop. But besides, they're toying with you. My personal favorite is when you pull up to the light and every combination possible that doesn't allow you to go thru shows up for like 15 min. straight. Oh, that's fun, almost like an enema, but without the fresh and clean feeling. As far as the body effect, i really believe that those red lights lead to irreversible damage to your eyes and sperm count. I think sitting at red lights is the number one cause of infertile blind men. I know i'll be one of them one day due to the damned things. Last and least, your soul. You sacrifice it since you dream about the day you get to kill the traffic light. Oh, you're thinking to yourself "it's an inanimate object" well, that doesn't save it. Didn't prevent the moon from being a jackass, shouldn't prevent the lights from the hit i'm gonna put on them. Silly bastards.

Anyway, time for sleep....quote of the night is "My guy's so cool, when he goes to sleep, sheep count him."